(George walks into Jerry's apartment.)
Jerry: Hey.
George: Hey.
Jerry: So I saw your post about your date with Jennifer last night. Sounds like it went really well!
George: Yeah, well, I thought so too. But I made that post 14 hours ago and she hasn't liked my status yet!
Jerry: So?
George: "So?" Don't you think if she had a good time that she would have liked my status?
Jerry: Well, maybe she's not a liker.
George: What do you mean?
Jerry: Well, some Facebook users are very generous with their likes, liking every little thing that pops up on their news feed, while others are more strict with their likes and only distribute them for very special occasions. Maybe Jennifer falls into that later category.
George: No, I think she's a liker. One of her friends posted some stupid video of a dog chasing its tail yesterday, and she liked that video within minutes!
Jerry: I think you're making too much of it. Maybe she's worried about coming on too strong.
George: I just think it's common courtesy that if someone posts a good status about you, you should like it, as a token of appreciation.
Jerry: Let me ask you. Did she post a status about the date?
George: Yes.
Jerry: Was it a good status?
George: It said, "Enjoyed having a night out tonight with a new acquaintance."
Jerry: Hmm, I'd say that's a favorable status. And you liked it?
George: Yes, within seconds.
Jerry: Then it sounds like there hasn't been a fair exchange of likes. I think you have a strong case.
(Kramer slides in the door.)
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Up until now, my life has been meaningless!
Jerry: (sarcastically) But you've accomplished so much!
Kramer: No, see, I just started a Facebook page for coffee table lovers. (Phone dings.) Oh, I just got my first like! This is gonna be great! Finally, a chance for coffee table fans everywhere to share their passion. You know what would really help get the page off the ground? A picture of a celebrity with their coffee table. Jerry, let me take a picture of you using your coffee table.
Jerry: I don't have my coffee table. I let you borrow it three months ago and I haven't gotten it back.
Kramer: Well aren't you a sad, pathetic little man.
(Jerry groans. Then the buzzer rings and Jerry walks over to it.)
Jerry: Yeah?
Voice: It's Elaine.
Jerry: Come on up.
George: Kramer, let me ask you something. What percentage of posts on your Facebook feed do you like?
Kramer: (while rummaging through Jerry's fridge) I'd say maybe 3%. I'm not loose with my likes. You really have to impress me to get me to hit that like button.
George: Hmm, well I posted my status about my date with Jennifer last night and she hasn't liked it yet. Do you think that's a sign that she didn't have a good time?
Kramer: (while eating an apple) I'll tell you how you can find out. Today's Thursday, right?
George: Yeah.
Kramer: It's Throwback Thursday. Post an embarrassing picture of yourself from your childhood and tag her in it. If she likes it, then you'll know she's still interested in you!
Jerry: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, this is a great idea.
(Elaine walks in.)
Elaine: So, everyone's been complaining about what a horrible dancer I am, right? Well, I had someone tape me dancing at Tim Whatley's party with my phone last night.
Jerry: Hey, did you see Tim Whatley's status about that party?
Elaine: The one where he thanked a bunch of people for coming by tagging them?
Jerry: Yeah, except, he didn't tag me.
Elaine: Maybe he forgot.
Jerry: He did say to tag anyone he forgot. Would you mind commenting and tagging me?
Elaine: I don't know Jerry. Maybe he's still mad at you for that anti-dentist status you posted last week.
Jerry: Oh, that wasn't a big deal! Come on, please?
Elaine: I just don't feel comfortable doing it.
Jerry: George?
George: (uncomfortable): Um... uh...
Jerry: Oh come on! Kramer?
Kramer: Sorry, buddy. For all I know he may have went out of his way not to tag you. I don't wanna be an accomplice in this.
Jerry: I gotta find out whether it was intentional.
Elaine: Anyway, wanna watch it with me?
Jerry: Watch what?
Elaine: The video of me dancing?
Jerry: (reluctant) Well... uh...
Elaine: Jerry! I'm a good dancer, right?
Jerry: (again reluctant) Uh... yeah... guys, let's all watch this together.
George: I'd love to, but we gotta go over to my parents' house to look through some old photo albums. (rushes out the door)
Kramer: (while walking out the door) Yeah!
Elaine: OK, here it is!
(Jerry and Elaine watch the video. Elaine is dancing, very poorly.)
Elaine: (surprised) Wow, am I really that bad?
Jerry: You know there's no possible right answer to that.
Elaine: Well, that's it. I've decided to no longer dance in public.
Jerry: (does fist pump) Yes!
(Elaine looks at Jerry disgustedly.)
Jerry: I mean... that's a shame.
(Elaine sets phone on counter and walks over to the couch to sit down. Kramer comes back in.)
Kramer: I need to make a sandwich.
Jerry: I do accept tips, you know.
(Kramer reaches for bread and accidentally spills it all over the counter. Elaine comes over to help clean up and grabs her phone, then goes back over to the couch.)
Elaine: So when am I gonna get to meet this "Monica" you've been raving about.
Jerry: Tomorrow night. She is fantastic! She's beautiful, smart, has a great sense of humor, likes the Mets... I think she might be the one!
Elaine: Can I see a picture?
Jerry: Sure, she's got over 200 on her profile. Let me pull it up here.
(Jerry opens Facebook on his phone.)
Jerry: (reads off phone disgustedly) Suggested page: Monica likes Kenny Bania? I don't believe this. Monica likes Bania's Facebook page?
Elaine: So what's the big deal?
Jerry: I don't know if I can be with someone who likes Bania's Facebook page. The guy's a total hack!
Elaine: Maybe she liked the page years ago and forgot about it.
Jerry: (contemplating): Yeah, maybe. I need to find out if she's still a fan.
(Elaine's phone dings. She looks at it.)
Elaine: (reading) "Tim Whatley shared your video"? What video, I haven't posted any videos this week. (She clicks on the notification to read it, then gasps.) My dance video is on Facebook and Tim Whatley shared it on his wall! I must have accidentally posted it when I was cleaning up after Kramer!
Kramer: Well, that might be a problem. (walks out the door with sandwich)
Elaine: Look at this, five people have already shared it. I'm all over the internet now! What am I gonna do?
Jerry: Well, I hear Europe is lovely this time of year.
(The next scene is at George's parents' house. Estelle lets George and Kramer in.)
George: Mom, where do you keep all the photo albums?
Estelle: They're right around the corner there. What do you need those for?
George: Does it matter? (turns to Kramer) Let's see if we can find a really embarrassing childhood picture. One where I really look traumatized.
Frank: (to Estelle, angry) Why did you run the disk defragmenter on my computer.
Estelle: It needed to be run.
Frank: You know I have a fantasy baseball draft this afternoon. Why did you pick right now?
Estelle: (getting angry) I've been telling you to run it for three weeks. I got tired of waiting!
Frank: (even angrier) You can't just defragment any time you want! If you do that, society falls apart!
George: (to Kramer) This shouldn't be too hard.
(The scene shifts back to Jerry's apartment the next day. George walks in, excited.)
George: Well, I just posted a picture of myself sitting on the toilet crying when I was five years old. I even tagged Jennifer in the post!
Jerry: You what???
George: (getting a little nervous) Now I just have to see if she likes it. If she does, I'll know she's interested in me.
Jerry: Don't you think you're coming off as a little desperate?
George: I sure hope so. It's all I have left.
Jerry: (looking at George's post on his phone) Oh my gosh, that is ridiculous! Has she liked it yet?
George: No. (looks through phone) Look at this! It says on my feed that she liked the New York Mets' picture of Matt Harvey at spring training!
Jerry: Maybe that was from a while ago.
George: (frustrated) No, that was posted four minutes ago! How could she like the Mets' photo but not mine? I liked her profile picture when she changed it yesterday! I've given her two likes and I get nothing in return! I'm two likes in the hole!
Jerry: When are you seeing her again?
George: Tonight. I'm gonna confront her about this.
Jerry: Well, I have my own confrontation tonight. I need to find out if Monica is really a Bania fan.
(Kramer slides through the door, clearly flustered. His phone is buzzing repeatedly.)
Kramer: I'm losing my mind Jerry!
Jerry: What's with you?
Kramer: My phone keeps going off every two seconds. It's those notifications for my coffee table page. People liking the page, commenting on my statuses. It's driving me crazy!
Jerry: Why don't you just turn the notifications off?
Kramer: I can't! They're popping up so fast I can't even get to my settings! (Kramer sets the phone on the counter, but it keeps buzzing.) That's it, I've had it!
(Kramer picks up the phone and throws it out the window. Newman is outside walking on the sidewalk when the phone lands in front of him. He looks around, picks it up, and calmly puts it in his coat pocket.)
(In the next scene, George and his date, Jennifer, are at a restaurant eating dinner.)
George: You enjoying your meal?
Jennifer: Yes, I am.
(Several moments of silence)
George: Would you say that you... like... it?
Jennifer: (confused) Yeah. (phone dings) Oh, my best friend's second cousin just posted a picture of her new parrot! I gotta like this!
George: So... you aren't stingy with your likes, are you?
Jennifer: What are you getting at?
George: I'll tell you what I'm getting at. You didn't like my status about our first date. Didn't you think we had a good time?
Jennifer: Well, yeah...
George: And then you didn't like my Throwback Thursday picture. I don't get it. What did I do wrong? I liked your status AND your profile picture. I want restitution. You owe me two likes!
Jennifer: Well, who posts a picture like that of himself and tags a woman after going out on one date with her?
George: I was just trying to be friendly!
Jennifer: This is getting way too weird. It's just a stupid status.
George: Stupid status? I pour my heart and soul out for you, for everyone I know to see, and this is the thanks I get!
Jennifer: That's it, I'm leaving. Let me post it on Facebook. (checks phone) My great uncle is watching Everybody Loves Raymond. (looks at George) LIKE!!!
George: (getting angry) Oh-ho-hoooooooooooooo!
(In the next scene, Newman is alone in his apartment, sitting in his chair, looking at the phone he just found.)
Newman: I'm gonna post that I just got a new phone! Let me just log into Facebook.
(Newman opens Facebook and goes to sign in. He taps on the email box, and several email addresses appear in the dropdown menu.)
Newman: Hmm, funnyboy1986@yahoo.com? (pauses for several seconds) I've got you now, Seinfeld! (Newman does an evil laugh for several seconds, then the microwave dings.) Oooh, my pizza!
(The next scene shows Jerry out on a date with Monica. The two are eating.)
Jerry: I'm excited that you're coming to my comedy show later tonight!
Monica: Me too! It should be fun.
Jerry: Have you seen any comedy shows recently?
Monica: No.
(Several moments of silence)
Jerry: None at all?
Monica: (confused): No, I haven't.
Jerry: Have you been to a lot over the years?
Monica: I've been to some.
Jerry: Any you've seen that just flat out stunk?
Monica: Well, maybe a couple.
Jerry: Any in particular? What were their names?
Monica: I don't remember, Jerry. What are you getting at?
Jerry: (agitated) Well, I noticed that you like Kenny Bania's Facebook page.
Monica: And?
Jerry: Are you a fan of his?
Monica: I wouldn't say that. I saw him at a show one time and I guess I liked his page afterwards.
Jerry: If you're not a fan, why did you like his page?
Monica: I don't remember. It was a few years ago. So what?
Jerry: The guy's a total hack! Half his act is about Ovaltine! Why don't you unlike his page?
Monica: I don't know, I just haven't.
Jerry: Could you do it now?
Monica: Why? Can't we just enjoy dinner right now? (checks phone)
Jerry: (reaches across the table for the phone while Monica tries to hold onto it) Give me that phone! I'll unlike the page for you!
Monica: What is wrong with you? (packs up stuff) I'm leaving!
Jerry: Go have fun with your new boyfriend Bania!
(After several seconds, Bania walks up from the other direction.)
Bania: Hey, Jerry! Have you tried the soup here? It's the best, Jerry, the best!
(Jerry looks disgusted.)
(In the next scene, Jerry is in his apartment, and Elaine walks in.)
Elaine: You would not believe what I am dealing with at work. Everyone is watching that video. People come up to me every two minutes with their phones pointed at me, asking me to dance! Someone even made a remix and posted it on YouTube!
Jerry: (grabs phone to look up video) Wow, over 20,000 hits so far!
(Elaine puts head in hands in disgust.)
Jerry: Well, I think I'm on the outs with Monica.
Elaine: Why is that?
Jerry: I confronted her about liking Bania's Facebook page.
Elaine: What did she say?
Jerry: Well, she wouldn't unlike the page, so I tried to grab her phone and do it but she freaked out and left!
Elaine: Can't say I blame her.
Jerry: (browsing through phone) Looks like she unfriended me too.
Elaine: (laughing) When did you post this? (reads phone) "My comedy routines are nothing but drivel and my feet stink?"
Jerry: I didn't post that! (goes to profile, face turns to disgust) What? Someone must have hacked my profile? Who's had access to my phone?
Elaine: (looks at phone) Hey, here's another one. "I haven't showered in two weeks, and I look down women's blouses while I'm on stage every night."
Jerry: How is this happening?
Elaine: Were you signed in anywhere else?
Jerry: On Kramer's phone one time. (thinks for several seconds) NEWMAN!
(The scene shifts to Newman's apartment. Newman calmly sits in his chair while Jerry is standing, agitated.)
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: I've enjoyed your Facebook posts lately. It's good that you finally have an outlet where you can express the real truth about yourself, isn't it?
Jerry: Alright Newman, let's cut the chit chat. What do I have to do to get you to stop this madness!
Newman: Well there is one thing you can do. Something that has alluded me for many, many years.
Jerry: Out with it already!
Newman: It's Elaine.
Jerry: What about her?
Newman; Five years ago, almost to the day, I sent her a friend request. To this day, that request remains unrequited. She is the one woman for whom I have pined to be online friends with, so that I may view all her pictures and posts with pleasure. Perhaps our online acquaintance could one day lead to something more.
(Camera shows Jerry with disgusted look.)
Newman: (stands up and becomes more passionate) Every day, I open my Facebook app, hoping this will be the day that I get that notification I have so longed for. And every day until now, I have looked at the top of my feed and seen that it's not to be. (gets louder and more excited) But maybe tomorrow, there will be...
Jerry: OK, OK! I'll make it happen.
Newman: Just remember, as far as the world knows, I am now you. (makes loud, evil laugh as Jerry walks out the door, then hears his phone ding) Ooooh, my pizza is ready for pickup!
(George is at work at Yankee Stadium the next day, at a round table with several people, about to start a big meeting.)
Wilhelm: Now, before we get started on this project, I ran across something on Facebook yesterday that was... deeply disturbing. And yet funny at the same time.
(He then turns on the projector, and George's childhood picture is projected on the wall. Everyone starts laughing, while George buries his head in his hands.)
Wilhelm: Now, I'm seeing a new ad campaign. "Don't be sad, baseball season is back!"
George: (whimpering) Oh, no.
And we'll plaster it on every billboard in town. (turns to George) Thanks, George, for inspiring us.
(Everyone starts laughing and applauding.)
George: GEORGE IS GETTING UPSET!
(A man walks up to Kramer's door and knocks. Kramer opens the door and is surprised. It's Darren the intern from Kramerica Industries.)
Kramer: Darren, what are you doing here? Kramerica Industries is long gone, remember?
Darren: I know, but... I noticed you haven't posted anything on your Coffee Table Lovers page on Facebook in two days. I wanted to make sure everything was ok.
Kramer: You followed the page?
Darren: Yeah, I did. I have to say, it inspired me.
Kramer: Well, it became too much for me to handle.
Darren: Kramer, that page has over 3,000 likes right now. Those people are counting on you to brighten their day with pictures of cats sleeping on coffee tables, or college kids seeing how many coffee tables they can stack on top of each other. With my help, we can make this happen.
Kramer: (excited) Darren, you believed in me when no one else did. Let's start taking some pictures and get to work!
(Darren and Kramer walk in and close the door. They then quickly walk back out and sprint across the hall.)
Kramer: We need to borrow Jerry's camera.
(Scene switches to Jerry and Elaine at the coffee shop with their phones.)
Elaine: Hey, do you know how I got to be friends with Newman on Facebook?
Jerry: (acting surprised) No idea.
Elaine: Anyway, I found out that he collects old benches. Can you believe that?
Jerry: Well, he needs somewhere to put all his dirty dishes every day!
Elaine: Maybe Newman's a misunderstood guy.
Jerry: Yeah, it's misunderstood why anyone would voluntarily wanna spend time with him.
Elaine: I might have had him all wrong. I'm gonna to talk to him and ask if I can see some of his benches. (walks away)
Jerry: One by one they're deserting me.
(Kramer and Tim Whatley come into the coffee shop.)
Jerry: What are you two doing here?
Kramer: Just stopping by for some coffee before we go do a photo shoot at Tim's office. He's got several coffee tables there for patients and I wanna share them with the world on my Facebook page!
Jerry: Hey, Tim, I noticed that you didn't tag me in your status about your party the other night, so I tagged myself.
Tim: (looking uncomfortable) Hmm, I didn't think you'd tag yourself.
Jerry: Now did you say, "Hmm, I didn't think you'd TAG yourself," or did you say, "Hmm, I didn't think YOU'D tag yourself"?
Tim: I don't get it. Just like I don't get your dentist jokes.
(Tim walks away with Kramer, as Kramer looks at Jerry disgustedly. Jerry rolls his eyes. Then George walks in and sits down.)
George: (chuckling) I just got a suggestion to like Kenny Bania's Facebook page. He did a status on Bosco that was kinda funny. You know, I love that stuff!
Jerry: (after several seconds of fuming, dives across the table trying to take George's phone) GIVE ME THAT PHONE!
Brian R. Johnston is the author of the book The Art of Being a Baseball Fan, available now on Amazon. Click here to visit him on Facebook.
Jerry: Let me ask you. Did she post a status about the date?
George: Yes.
Jerry: Was it a good status?
George: It said, "Enjoyed having a night out tonight with a new acquaintance."
Jerry: Hmm, I'd say that's a favorable status. And you liked it?
George: Yes, within seconds.
Jerry: Then it sounds like there hasn't been a fair exchange of likes. I think you have a strong case.
(Kramer slides in the door.)
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Up until now, my life has been meaningless!
Jerry: (sarcastically) But you've accomplished so much!
Kramer: No, see, I just started a Facebook page for coffee table lovers. (Phone dings.) Oh, I just got my first like! This is gonna be great! Finally, a chance for coffee table fans everywhere to share their passion. You know what would really help get the page off the ground? A picture of a celebrity with their coffee table. Jerry, let me take a picture of you using your coffee table.
Jerry: I don't have my coffee table. I let you borrow it three months ago and I haven't gotten it back.
Kramer: Well aren't you a sad, pathetic little man.
(Jerry groans. Then the buzzer rings and Jerry walks over to it.)
Jerry: Yeah?
Voice: It's Elaine.
Jerry: Come on up.
George: Kramer, let me ask you something. What percentage of posts on your Facebook feed do you like?
Kramer: (while rummaging through Jerry's fridge) I'd say maybe 3%. I'm not loose with my likes. You really have to impress me to get me to hit that like button.
George: Hmm, well I posted my status about my date with Jennifer last night and she hasn't liked it yet. Do you think that's a sign that she didn't have a good time?
Kramer: (while eating an apple) I'll tell you how you can find out. Today's Thursday, right?
George: Yeah.
Kramer: It's Throwback Thursday. Post an embarrassing picture of yourself from your childhood and tag her in it. If she likes it, then you'll know she's still interested in you!
Jerry: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, this is a great idea.
(Elaine walks in.)
Elaine: So, everyone's been complaining about what a horrible dancer I am, right? Well, I had someone tape me dancing at Tim Whatley's party with my phone last night.
Jerry: Hey, did you see Tim Whatley's status about that party?
Elaine: The one where he thanked a bunch of people for coming by tagging them?
Jerry: Yeah, except, he didn't tag me.
Elaine: Maybe he forgot.
Jerry: He did say to tag anyone he forgot. Would you mind commenting and tagging me?
Elaine: I don't know Jerry. Maybe he's still mad at you for that anti-dentist status you posted last week.
Jerry: Oh, that wasn't a big deal! Come on, please?
Elaine: I just don't feel comfortable doing it.
Jerry: George?
George: (uncomfortable): Um... uh...
Jerry: Oh come on! Kramer?
Kramer: Sorry, buddy. For all I know he may have went out of his way not to tag you. I don't wanna be an accomplice in this.
Jerry: I gotta find out whether it was intentional.
Elaine: Anyway, wanna watch it with me?
Jerry: Watch what?
Elaine: The video of me dancing?
Jerry: (reluctant) Well... uh...
Elaine: Jerry! I'm a good dancer, right?
Jerry: (again reluctant) Uh... yeah... guys, let's all watch this together.
George: I'd love to, but we gotta go over to my parents' house to look through some old photo albums. (rushes out the door)
Kramer: (while walking out the door) Yeah!
Elaine: OK, here it is!
(Jerry and Elaine watch the video. Elaine is dancing, very poorly.)
Elaine: (surprised) Wow, am I really that bad?
Jerry: You know there's no possible right answer to that.
Elaine: Well, that's it. I've decided to no longer dance in public.
Jerry: (does fist pump) Yes!
(Elaine looks at Jerry disgustedly.)
Jerry: I mean... that's a shame.
(Elaine sets phone on counter and walks over to the couch to sit down. Kramer comes back in.)
Kramer: I need to make a sandwich.
Jerry: I do accept tips, you know.
(Kramer reaches for bread and accidentally spills it all over the counter. Elaine comes over to help clean up and grabs her phone, then goes back over to the couch.)
Elaine: So when am I gonna get to meet this "Monica" you've been raving about.
Jerry: Tomorrow night. She is fantastic! She's beautiful, smart, has a great sense of humor, likes the Mets... I think she might be the one!
Elaine: Can I see a picture?
Jerry: Sure, she's got over 200 on her profile. Let me pull it up here.
(Jerry opens Facebook on his phone.)
Jerry: (reads off phone disgustedly) Suggested page: Monica likes Kenny Bania? I don't believe this. Monica likes Bania's Facebook page?
Elaine: So what's the big deal?
Jerry: I don't know if I can be with someone who likes Bania's Facebook page. The guy's a total hack!
Elaine: Maybe she liked the page years ago and forgot about it.
Jerry: (contemplating): Yeah, maybe. I need to find out if she's still a fan.
(Elaine's phone dings. She looks at it.)
Elaine: (reading) "Tim Whatley shared your video"? What video, I haven't posted any videos this week. (She clicks on the notification to read it, then gasps.) My dance video is on Facebook and Tim Whatley shared it on his wall! I must have accidentally posted it when I was cleaning up after Kramer!
Kramer: Well, that might be a problem. (walks out the door with sandwich)
Elaine: Look at this, five people have already shared it. I'm all over the internet now! What am I gonna do?
Jerry: Well, I hear Europe is lovely this time of year.
(The next scene is at George's parents' house. Estelle lets George and Kramer in.)
George: Mom, where do you keep all the photo albums?
Estelle: They're right around the corner there. What do you need those for?
George: Does it matter? (turns to Kramer) Let's see if we can find a really embarrassing childhood picture. One where I really look traumatized.
Frank: (to Estelle, angry) Why did you run the disk defragmenter on my computer.
Estelle: It needed to be run.
Frank: You know I have a fantasy baseball draft this afternoon. Why did you pick right now?
Estelle: (getting angry) I've been telling you to run it for three weeks. I got tired of waiting!
Frank: (even angrier) You can't just defragment any time you want! If you do that, society falls apart!
George: (to Kramer) This shouldn't be too hard.
(The scene shifts back to Jerry's apartment the next day. George walks in, excited.)
George: Well, I just posted a picture of myself sitting on the toilet crying when I was five years old. I even tagged Jennifer in the post!
Jerry: You what???
George: (getting a little nervous) Now I just have to see if she likes it. If she does, I'll know she's interested in me.
Jerry: Don't you think you're coming off as a little desperate?
George: I sure hope so. It's all I have left.
Jerry: (looking at George's post on his phone) Oh my gosh, that is ridiculous! Has she liked it yet?
George: No. (looks through phone) Look at this! It says on my feed that she liked the New York Mets' picture of Matt Harvey at spring training!
Jerry: Maybe that was from a while ago.
George: (frustrated) No, that was posted four minutes ago! How could she like the Mets' photo but not mine? I liked her profile picture when she changed it yesterday! I've given her two likes and I get nothing in return! I'm two likes in the hole!
Jerry: When are you seeing her again?
George: Tonight. I'm gonna confront her about this.
Jerry: Well, I have my own confrontation tonight. I need to find out if Monica is really a Bania fan.
(Kramer slides through the door, clearly flustered. His phone is buzzing repeatedly.)
Kramer: I'm losing my mind Jerry!
Jerry: What's with you?
Kramer: My phone keeps going off every two seconds. It's those notifications for my coffee table page. People liking the page, commenting on my statuses. It's driving me crazy!
Jerry: Why don't you just turn the notifications off?
Kramer: I can't! They're popping up so fast I can't even get to my settings! (Kramer sets the phone on the counter, but it keeps buzzing.) That's it, I've had it!
(Kramer picks up the phone and throws it out the window. Newman is outside walking on the sidewalk when the phone lands in front of him. He looks around, picks it up, and calmly puts it in his coat pocket.)
(In the next scene, George and his date, Jennifer, are at a restaurant eating dinner.)
George: You enjoying your meal?
Jennifer: Yes, I am.
(Several moments of silence)
George: Would you say that you... like... it?
Jennifer: (confused) Yeah. (phone dings) Oh, my best friend's second cousin just posted a picture of her new parrot! I gotta like this!
George: So... you aren't stingy with your likes, are you?
Jennifer: What are you getting at?
George: I'll tell you what I'm getting at. You didn't like my status about our first date. Didn't you think we had a good time?
Jennifer: Well, yeah...
George: And then you didn't like my Throwback Thursday picture. I don't get it. What did I do wrong? I liked your status AND your profile picture. I want restitution. You owe me two likes!
Jennifer: Well, who posts a picture like that of himself and tags a woman after going out on one date with her?
George: I was just trying to be friendly!
Jennifer: This is getting way too weird. It's just a stupid status.
George: Stupid status? I pour my heart and soul out for you, for everyone I know to see, and this is the thanks I get!
Jennifer: That's it, I'm leaving. Let me post it on Facebook. (checks phone) My great uncle is watching Everybody Loves Raymond. (looks at George) LIKE!!!
George: (getting angry) Oh-ho-hoooooooooooooo!
(In the next scene, Newman is alone in his apartment, sitting in his chair, looking at the phone he just found.)
Newman: I'm gonna post that I just got a new phone! Let me just log into Facebook.
(Newman opens Facebook and goes to sign in. He taps on the email box, and several email addresses appear in the dropdown menu.)
Newman: Hmm, funnyboy1986@yahoo.com? (pauses for several seconds) I've got you now, Seinfeld! (Newman does an evil laugh for several seconds, then the microwave dings.) Oooh, my pizza!
(The next scene shows Jerry out on a date with Monica. The two are eating.)
Jerry: I'm excited that you're coming to my comedy show later tonight!
Monica: Me too! It should be fun.
Jerry: Have you seen any comedy shows recently?
Monica: No.
(Several moments of silence)
Jerry: None at all?
Monica: (confused): No, I haven't.
Jerry: Have you been to a lot over the years?
Monica: I've been to some.
Jerry: Any you've seen that just flat out stunk?
Monica: Well, maybe a couple.
Jerry: Any in particular? What were their names?
Monica: I don't remember, Jerry. What are you getting at?
Jerry: (agitated) Well, I noticed that you like Kenny Bania's Facebook page.
Monica: And?
Jerry: Are you a fan of his?
Monica: I wouldn't say that. I saw him at a show one time and I guess I liked his page afterwards.
Jerry: If you're not a fan, why did you like his page?
Monica: I don't remember. It was a few years ago. So what?
Jerry: The guy's a total hack! Half his act is about Ovaltine! Why don't you unlike his page?
Monica: I don't know, I just haven't.
Jerry: Could you do it now?
Monica: Why? Can't we just enjoy dinner right now? (checks phone)
Jerry: (reaches across the table for the phone while Monica tries to hold onto it) Give me that phone! I'll unlike the page for you!
Monica: What is wrong with you? (packs up stuff) I'm leaving!
Jerry: Go have fun with your new boyfriend Bania!
(After several seconds, Bania walks up from the other direction.)
Bania: Hey, Jerry! Have you tried the soup here? It's the best, Jerry, the best!
(Jerry looks disgusted.)
(In the next scene, Jerry is in his apartment, and Elaine walks in.)
Elaine: You would not believe what I am dealing with at work. Everyone is watching that video. People come up to me every two minutes with their phones pointed at me, asking me to dance! Someone even made a remix and posted it on YouTube!
Jerry: (grabs phone to look up video) Wow, over 20,000 hits so far!
(Elaine puts head in hands in disgust.)
Jerry: Well, I think I'm on the outs with Monica.
Elaine: Why is that?
Jerry: I confronted her about liking Bania's Facebook page.
Elaine: What did she say?
Jerry: Well, she wouldn't unlike the page, so I tried to grab her phone and do it but she freaked out and left!
Elaine: Can't say I blame her.
Jerry: (browsing through phone) Looks like she unfriended me too.
Elaine: (laughing) When did you post this? (reads phone) "My comedy routines are nothing but drivel and my feet stink?"
Jerry: I didn't post that! (goes to profile, face turns to disgust) What? Someone must have hacked my profile? Who's had access to my phone?
Elaine: (looks at phone) Hey, here's another one. "I haven't showered in two weeks, and I look down women's blouses while I'm on stage every night."
Jerry: How is this happening?
Elaine: Were you signed in anywhere else?
Jerry: On Kramer's phone one time. (thinks for several seconds) NEWMAN!
(The scene shifts to Newman's apartment. Newman calmly sits in his chair while Jerry is standing, agitated.)
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: I've enjoyed your Facebook posts lately. It's good that you finally have an outlet where you can express the real truth about yourself, isn't it?
Jerry: Alright Newman, let's cut the chit chat. What do I have to do to get you to stop this madness!
Newman: Well there is one thing you can do. Something that has alluded me for many, many years.
Jerry: Out with it already!
Newman: It's Elaine.
Jerry: What about her?
Newman; Five years ago, almost to the day, I sent her a friend request. To this day, that request remains unrequited. She is the one woman for whom I have pined to be online friends with, so that I may view all her pictures and posts with pleasure. Perhaps our online acquaintance could one day lead to something more.
(Camera shows Jerry with disgusted look.)
Newman: (stands up and becomes more passionate) Every day, I open my Facebook app, hoping this will be the day that I get that notification I have so longed for. And every day until now, I have looked at the top of my feed and seen that it's not to be. (gets louder and more excited) But maybe tomorrow, there will be...
Jerry: OK, OK! I'll make it happen.
Newman: Just remember, as far as the world knows, I am now you. (makes loud, evil laugh as Jerry walks out the door, then hears his phone ding) Ooooh, my pizza is ready for pickup!
(George is at work at Yankee Stadium the next day, at a round table with several people, about to start a big meeting.)
Wilhelm: Now, before we get started on this project, I ran across something on Facebook yesterday that was... deeply disturbing. And yet funny at the same time.
(He then turns on the projector, and George's childhood picture is projected on the wall. Everyone starts laughing, while George buries his head in his hands.)
Wilhelm: Now, I'm seeing a new ad campaign. "Don't be sad, baseball season is back!"
George: (whimpering) Oh, no.
And we'll plaster it on every billboard in town. (turns to George) Thanks, George, for inspiring us.
(Everyone starts laughing and applauding.)
George: GEORGE IS GETTING UPSET!
(A man walks up to Kramer's door and knocks. Kramer opens the door and is surprised. It's Darren the intern from Kramerica Industries.)
Kramer: Darren, what are you doing here? Kramerica Industries is long gone, remember?
Darren: I know, but... I noticed you haven't posted anything on your Coffee Table Lovers page on Facebook in two days. I wanted to make sure everything was ok.
Kramer: You followed the page?
Darren: Yeah, I did. I have to say, it inspired me.
Kramer: Well, it became too much for me to handle.
Darren: Kramer, that page has over 3,000 likes right now. Those people are counting on you to brighten their day with pictures of cats sleeping on coffee tables, or college kids seeing how many coffee tables they can stack on top of each other. With my help, we can make this happen.
Kramer: (excited) Darren, you believed in me when no one else did. Let's start taking some pictures and get to work!
(Darren and Kramer walk in and close the door. They then quickly walk back out and sprint across the hall.)
Kramer: We need to borrow Jerry's camera.
(Scene switches to Jerry and Elaine at the coffee shop with their phones.)
Elaine: Hey, do you know how I got to be friends with Newman on Facebook?
Jerry: (acting surprised) No idea.
Elaine: Anyway, I found out that he collects old benches. Can you believe that?
Jerry: Well, he needs somewhere to put all his dirty dishes every day!
Elaine: Maybe Newman's a misunderstood guy.
Jerry: Yeah, it's misunderstood why anyone would voluntarily wanna spend time with him.
Elaine: I might have had him all wrong. I'm gonna to talk to him and ask if I can see some of his benches. (walks away)
Jerry: One by one they're deserting me.
(Kramer and Tim Whatley come into the coffee shop.)
Jerry: What are you two doing here?
Kramer: Just stopping by for some coffee before we go do a photo shoot at Tim's office. He's got several coffee tables there for patients and I wanna share them with the world on my Facebook page!
Jerry: Hey, Tim, I noticed that you didn't tag me in your status about your party the other night, so I tagged myself.
Tim: (looking uncomfortable) Hmm, I didn't think you'd tag yourself.
Jerry: Now did you say, "Hmm, I didn't think you'd TAG yourself," or did you say, "Hmm, I didn't think YOU'D tag yourself"?
Tim: I don't get it. Just like I don't get your dentist jokes.
(Tim walks away with Kramer, as Kramer looks at Jerry disgustedly. Jerry rolls his eyes. Then George walks in and sits down.)
George: (chuckling) I just got a suggestion to like Kenny Bania's Facebook page. He did a status on Bosco that was kinda funny. You know, I love that stuff!
Jerry: (after several seconds of fuming, dives across the table trying to take George's phone) GIVE ME THAT PHONE!
Brian R. Johnston is the author of the book The Art of Being a Baseball Fan, available now on Amazon. Click here to visit him on Facebook.
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