Last week, Scott Weiland passed away at 48 years old. He used to be the lead singer for one of my favorite bands, Stone Temple Pilots.
Unfortunately, we hear about celebrities dying far too soon all the time. Weiland was living the dream that many guys have. He got to play in a famous band, yet faced problems that ultimately took his life. We see famous actors, musicians, and athletes have so much success on the surface but battle battle depression or addiction behind the scenes and wonder how it could happen. How could someone who had all the fame and money he could possibly want be so unhappy? It's hard for us to understand.
When Robin Williams committed suicide last year, many of his fans lamented his untimely death and sympathized with how he may have faced demons outside the public eye that were too much to handle. But others criticized Williams for "taking the coward's way out" or not doing enough to address his problems. Yes, there are things we can do, both medically and through counseling, that can address depression. But it's not always that simple.
I think most people have been depressed at one point or another. I know I have been. I won't claim mine was as serious as what others have gone through, but I at least know the feeling. Admitting you have a problem is difficult. Even if you recognize the problem, overcoming the hurdles it takes to get that help is more difficult than it looks to others.
In the case of Scott Weiland, it's hard to fathom why someone who seemed to have it all would throw their success away through drugs. Addiction itself is a major challenge, and it's hard to overcome. But why would he even start? Why would he put himself in that situation?
Success in life only comes with hard work, so the more success you have, the more you have to do. Weiland probably had to deal with the stress of demanding fans. He probably read a lot of bad reviews and had a really hectic schedule. And he probably had tons of women throwing themselves at him and friends and family asking for favors. Being in the public eye does not come naturally to most folks, so they either have to find the mental toughness to get through it, or find another way.
Again, I'm just speculating here. I only know Weiland through his music and know little about his personal life. But I can sympathize. I'm certainly not going to criticize him for failing to overcome his addiction or even for any moral shortcomings he may have had. After all, celebrities are only famous because they entertain us. We have to approve what they do, or they wouldn't be successful.
Even if you don't know any celebrities, think about anyone you know who may be going through a hard time. I recently watched a webinar at work that described people as icebergs. Icebergs only peak a little above the surface of the water. Most of the mass of the iceberg is underwater. When we see an iceberg, we only see a small part of it. In the same way, when we see people, even those we know well, we only see a small part of the person and ultimately know little about what they are dealing with. We try to understand, but it's not always possible.
We know even less about celebrities. We see them in movies or hear their music, but know very little else about them. It's a shame that we lose so many of them so soon. They wanted to become famous, but it was ultimately their demise. As much as I enjoy many STP songs, their music is only a small part of my life. For Weiland, it was everything. Weiland devoted his life to pleasing fans like me. It's sad this is what happens as a result.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Remembering 5th Grade
Twenty years ago, I was in fifth grade. I remember it now as one of the best years of my childhood. Although, I didn't know it at the time. So often, we don't realize that we're making great memories as they are happening. And of course, when you're ten years old, that's not what you're thinking about.
At the beginning of that school year, I was excited to learn that almost all my best friends from previous grades were in my class. Our teacher had a chess set in her classroom, and almost every day she would let us play once we were done with all assignments. There were about 10-15 of us (maybe one or two girls, but mostly guys) who would try to hurry and finish our assignments so we could get over there and play first. We kept track of every game all year, who won and lost, and kept "standings". If I remember correctly, I was in second place at the end of the year.
My back yard at home was big enough for my friends and I to play baseball. We played almost year round. If it was warmer than about 30 degrees and no significant snow was on the ground, we were out there. We played with tennis balls to avoid breaking anyone's windows. We'd have about ten or so tennis balls that would fly into other people's yards. Whenever we ran out, we'd have to stop the game, climb over fences, and collect them all. I also was on a summer baseball team that year with many friends, and my younger brother was the batboy.
I also had a big bedroom and often had friends over to spend the night. We'd watch baseball games, play Mario and Donkey Kong on Super Nintendo, play "knee basketball" where we had a little rubber basketball and had to "run" on our knees to get the ball into a little wastebasket. We watched Home Improvement and Full House every week. We'd listen to the radio: songs like "Run Around" by Blues Traveler, "Lightning Crashes" by Live, and "Better Man" by Pearl Jam got frequent play on WKFR. Those songs remain favorites of mine to this day. Whenever I hear some of those songs, it takes me back to that big bedroom of mine hanging out with friends.
I'm not in contact with any of those friends anymore. But I still have great memories. And I've been thinking about that lately watching my stepson Noah, who turned 11 this past week. I see him making friends at school when I go to pick him up each day. I see the fun he has with friends when they come over to our house (although they get a little too rowdy for my taste sometimes). I can't help but flashback to those same days of mine years ago. We didn't have the technology back then that we do now, and pop culture has changed a lot. But the innocence of childhood is still there.
I've told Noah many times to enjoy this time in his life and take advantage of all these opportunities. I'm not sure he really listens to me, since many children that age think they have life figured out and can't wait to be an adult so they can do whatever they want and not have adults push them around anymore. But there are many days, when I'm tired of being at work or worried about paying bills, that being 10 or 11 years old again sounds pretty good.
If you have kids at home, tell them frequently to enjoy their childhood because it will be over way too soon. There's a good chance they will roll their eyes and ignore you. But maybe some day when they're older, they will come to you, say that you were right, and thank them for such great memories.
At the beginning of that school year, I was excited to learn that almost all my best friends from previous grades were in my class. Our teacher had a chess set in her classroom, and almost every day she would let us play once we were done with all assignments. There were about 10-15 of us (maybe one or two girls, but mostly guys) who would try to hurry and finish our assignments so we could get over there and play first. We kept track of every game all year, who won and lost, and kept "standings". If I remember correctly, I was in second place at the end of the year.
My back yard at home was big enough for my friends and I to play baseball. We played almost year round. If it was warmer than about 30 degrees and no significant snow was on the ground, we were out there. We played with tennis balls to avoid breaking anyone's windows. We'd have about ten or so tennis balls that would fly into other people's yards. Whenever we ran out, we'd have to stop the game, climb over fences, and collect them all. I also was on a summer baseball team that year with many friends, and my younger brother was the batboy.
I also had a big bedroom and often had friends over to spend the night. We'd watch baseball games, play Mario and Donkey Kong on Super Nintendo, play "knee basketball" where we had a little rubber basketball and had to "run" on our knees to get the ball into a little wastebasket. We watched Home Improvement and Full House every week. We'd listen to the radio: songs like "Run Around" by Blues Traveler, "Lightning Crashes" by Live, and "Better Man" by Pearl Jam got frequent play on WKFR. Those songs remain favorites of mine to this day. Whenever I hear some of those songs, it takes me back to that big bedroom of mine hanging out with friends.
I'm not in contact with any of those friends anymore. But I still have great memories. And I've been thinking about that lately watching my stepson Noah, who turned 11 this past week. I see him making friends at school when I go to pick him up each day. I see the fun he has with friends when they come over to our house (although they get a little too rowdy for my taste sometimes). I can't help but flashback to those same days of mine years ago. We didn't have the technology back then that we do now, and pop culture has changed a lot. But the innocence of childhood is still there.
I've told Noah many times to enjoy this time in his life and take advantage of all these opportunities. I'm not sure he really listens to me, since many children that age think they have life figured out and can't wait to be an adult so they can do whatever they want and not have adults push them around anymore. But there are many days, when I'm tired of being at work or worried about paying bills, that being 10 or 11 years old again sounds pretty good.
If you have kids at home, tell them frequently to enjoy their childhood because it will be over way too soon. There's a good chance they will roll their eyes and ignore you. But maybe some day when they're older, they will come to you, say that you were right, and thank them for such great memories.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Why I write
I've always felt I'm good at writing. Speaking? Not so much.
I'm an introvert. A lot of people think introverts don't like other people and hate social situations. That's not the case. We just handle them differently than others do.
If you've been around me for any length of time, you've probably figured out that I'm not a talker. Many of my high school classmates referred to me as the "quiet kid". In many social situations, I say the bare minimum I need to get by and nothing more. That doesn't mean I'm stupid. It doesn't mean I have nothing to say. That's just how my brain is wired.
In high school and college, I always earned my best grades on writing assignments. Thankfully, I pursued a major in college - political science - that relied heavily on writing and research and less on public speaking, activities, or experiments that required "doing" things. My friends often wondered how I became so good with the written word. For years, I didn't know why myself. I still don't think I fully understand it.
But I've learned more about my personality type in recent years. I'm not someone who is good at reacting right away to a situation, and I don't like to be the "life of the party". When something happens, I need to reflect, to think it through, and find deeper meanings. Sometimes, I do that to a fault. But when I sit at my computer and type, I'm able to express myself. I'm able to get my thoughts on the screen, look at them, organize them, and polish them until I get my point across in the best way possible.
Some folks don't need to do this. They are comfortable having the spotlight on them or responding right away to a situation in person. That's not me. Even when I reflect after a difficult situation and figure out how to respond verbally, I still often don't say what I'm thinking in the right way. I sometimes use the wrong words or flat out don't get my point across.
I feel like I'm getting better at this. But I'm never going to be the social butterfly or handler of tough in-person situations that some folks are. I try to be polite when talking to other people, but I'm not articulate. I know that. It's never going to be a strength of mine, so it's important that I focus on where my strengths are.
That's why I write. It's something I need to do. It provides an outlet for me to sort through my thoughts. And thanks to the internet, where anyone with a computer can share their thoughts with everyone instantly, I can express myself to the rest of the world in this way too.
So, if you're ever around me in person and I don't say a lot, don't be offended. In social situations, I'm more of an observer than a talker. If you want to know what I think, visit this blog.
Anyway, thanks for reading, and I plan on posting more essays in the future. Please check back, I would really appreciate it!
I'm an introvert. A lot of people think introverts don't like other people and hate social situations. That's not the case. We just handle them differently than others do.
If you've been around me for any length of time, you've probably figured out that I'm not a talker. Many of my high school classmates referred to me as the "quiet kid". In many social situations, I say the bare minimum I need to get by and nothing more. That doesn't mean I'm stupid. It doesn't mean I have nothing to say. That's just how my brain is wired.
In high school and college, I always earned my best grades on writing assignments. Thankfully, I pursued a major in college - political science - that relied heavily on writing and research and less on public speaking, activities, or experiments that required "doing" things. My friends often wondered how I became so good with the written word. For years, I didn't know why myself. I still don't think I fully understand it.
But I've learned more about my personality type in recent years. I'm not someone who is good at reacting right away to a situation, and I don't like to be the "life of the party". When something happens, I need to reflect, to think it through, and find deeper meanings. Sometimes, I do that to a fault. But when I sit at my computer and type, I'm able to express myself. I'm able to get my thoughts on the screen, look at them, organize them, and polish them until I get my point across in the best way possible.
Some folks don't need to do this. They are comfortable having the spotlight on them or responding right away to a situation in person. That's not me. Even when I reflect after a difficult situation and figure out how to respond verbally, I still often don't say what I'm thinking in the right way. I sometimes use the wrong words or flat out don't get my point across.
I feel like I'm getting better at this. But I'm never going to be the social butterfly or handler of tough in-person situations that some folks are. I try to be polite when talking to other people, but I'm not articulate. I know that. It's never going to be a strength of mine, so it's important that I focus on where my strengths are.
That's why I write. It's something I need to do. It provides an outlet for me to sort through my thoughts. And thanks to the internet, where anyone with a computer can share their thoughts with everyone instantly, I can express myself to the rest of the world in this way too.
So, if you're ever around me in person and I don't say a lot, don't be offended. In social situations, I'm more of an observer than a talker. If you want to know what I think, visit this blog.
Anyway, thanks for reading, and I plan on posting more essays in the future. Please check back, I would really appreciate it!
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
A Lesson on Failure
Growing up, I was always a great student. I got mostly A's and B's in high school, and that continued through my first few semesters of college. I worked hard for all my grades, but never really struggled to pass a class or keep my grades up.
During my fourth semester at college, I took an ancient history class. It wasn't one of my favorite subjects, but I needed it to complete my minor and wasn't expecting much trouble. For my first assignment, I had to find a peer-reviewed article and write a short two-page summary and review of the article. I always considered myself to be a good writer, and I had done many similar assignments in the past. I put my normal amount of effort into the assignment, so I didn't think this would be a big deal.
Several days later, I got the assignment back. It was coated in red ink, with a big "D" at the top. I was stunned - for one thing, I couldn't believe I got a bad grade on something I thought I was good at. But if that's how harshly this professor grades a short essay, what would the rest of the semester be like?
Perhaps not thinking clearly, I tried to take the coward's way out. I was taking one class over the minimum for a full-time student, so I could drop the class if I wanted. After getting my test back, I stormed over to the registrar's office. But I learned the deadline to drop classes and not have the grade count had passed just a few days ago.
Before I completed that article review, I had no idea it may end up being the most important assignment I ever did in college. It was a wake-up call I badly needed. I had never really confronted failure before, at least not academically. And since I had to stay in the class, I couldn't afford to lose time feeling sorry for myself. I made it a personal challenge to "get back" at the professor by doing well the rest of the semester.
I quickly learned his teaching and grading style and what I would need to do differently from past classes if I wanted to succeed in his. I worked harder in that class than I did in any other class, before or after. I took tons of notes. I spent more time than normal preparing for exams. And I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the term paper. I finished the semester with a "B". I had never been more proud of myself.
After I finished college and went out into the adult world, I confronted failure much more frequently than I ever did in school. Most adults must deal with rejection many times: in looking for jobs, in dating, and elsewhere. Sometimes, your best effort will not be good enough. Sometimes, doing what you have always done to achieve success will not work. I was mad the day I got that essay back, but now I am so happy it happened. I was forced to make adjustments and learn a new way of completing assignments. It was one of the best life lessons I ever got.
If you are in college or thinking about going, be sure to show up with the right attitude. You don't go to college just to confirm you already know everything. Realize that there is a lot you don't know and that you are there to learn - not just academically, but also about life. You have to learn that you aren't entitled to anything, and that can't happen until you decide to have an open mind. Not only will it help you to get good grades, but also to get the most out of your college experience.
And I hope all of you who go to college get at least one opportunity to learn from failure. Maybe you'll have a similar experience to mine, when you get a terrible grade on an assignment you thought you completed well. Maybe you'll fall in love only to have your heart broken. Maybe you won't get a scholarship you wanted or will struggle to find a job. At least one of those things happens to virtually everyone. I know it's not fun. Nobody likes to fail. But it might end up being the best thing that ever happens to you. And if you emerge from it stronger than ever, it's an amazing feeling.
During my fourth semester at college, I took an ancient history class. It wasn't one of my favorite subjects, but I needed it to complete my minor and wasn't expecting much trouble. For my first assignment, I had to find a peer-reviewed article and write a short two-page summary and review of the article. I always considered myself to be a good writer, and I had done many similar assignments in the past. I put my normal amount of effort into the assignment, so I didn't think this would be a big deal.
Several days later, I got the assignment back. It was coated in red ink, with a big "D" at the top. I was stunned - for one thing, I couldn't believe I got a bad grade on something I thought I was good at. But if that's how harshly this professor grades a short essay, what would the rest of the semester be like?
Perhaps not thinking clearly, I tried to take the coward's way out. I was taking one class over the minimum for a full-time student, so I could drop the class if I wanted. After getting my test back, I stormed over to the registrar's office. But I learned the deadline to drop classes and not have the grade count had passed just a few days ago.
Before I completed that article review, I had no idea it may end up being the most important assignment I ever did in college. It was a wake-up call I badly needed. I had never really confronted failure before, at least not academically. And since I had to stay in the class, I couldn't afford to lose time feeling sorry for myself. I made it a personal challenge to "get back" at the professor by doing well the rest of the semester.
I quickly learned his teaching and grading style and what I would need to do differently from past classes if I wanted to succeed in his. I worked harder in that class than I did in any other class, before or after. I took tons of notes. I spent more time than normal preparing for exams. And I spent a ridiculous amount of time on the term paper. I finished the semester with a "B". I had never been more proud of myself.
After I finished college and went out into the adult world, I confronted failure much more frequently than I ever did in school. Most adults must deal with rejection many times: in looking for jobs, in dating, and elsewhere. Sometimes, your best effort will not be good enough. Sometimes, doing what you have always done to achieve success will not work. I was mad the day I got that essay back, but now I am so happy it happened. I was forced to make adjustments and learn a new way of completing assignments. It was one of the best life lessons I ever got.
If you are in college or thinking about going, be sure to show up with the right attitude. You don't go to college just to confirm you already know everything. Realize that there is a lot you don't know and that you are there to learn - not just academically, but also about life. You have to learn that you aren't entitled to anything, and that can't happen until you decide to have an open mind. Not only will it help you to get good grades, but also to get the most out of your college experience.
And I hope all of you who go to college get at least one opportunity to learn from failure. Maybe you'll have a similar experience to mine, when you get a terrible grade on an assignment you thought you completed well. Maybe you'll fall in love only to have your heart broken. Maybe you won't get a scholarship you wanted or will struggle to find a job. At least one of those things happens to virtually everyone. I know it's not fun. Nobody likes to fail. But it might end up being the best thing that ever happens to you. And if you emerge from it stronger than ever, it's an amazing feeling.
Monday, November 9, 2015
Starbucks and the War on Christmas
The Christmas season is upon us. Soon we will see snow on the ground with bright lights and Christmas trees all around. And that also means many businesses are incorporating Christmas into their advertising and rolling out their winter-themed products.
I recently saw that Starbucks is not putting “Merry Christmas” on their coffee cups this year. Many Christians have decried this as political correctness gone amok and are fighting back. One pastor famously went into a Starbucks to place an order and said that his name is “Merry Christmas” so they would put it on the cup.
I am a Christian. I celebrate Christmas every year and rejoice that Jesus Christ came to earth to save mankind. We see these stories about the “War on Christmas” every year. When I see what is happening at Starbucks, I am outraged.
I’m outraged that people are making such a big deal out of this.
A private business not printing “Merry Christmas” on a cup of overpriced coffee - a cup that will be in the trash an hour later - does not mean that the folks at Starbucks hate Christians. And it certainly does not take away anyone’s freedoms. Last I checked, we still had the right to put up Christmas trees in our own home, give Christmas presents to our friends and family, and attend Christmas church services. Until someone from the government knocks on your door and forbids you from engaging in these activities, nobody is waging “war” on you.
You may not agree with what Starbucks is doing, but as a private business, they have every right to do this. For one thing, not all of Starbucks’ customers are Christians. They don’t all celebrate Christmas. The company wants their image to the public to be one that is welcoming to people of all faiths and backgrounds.
But besides that, if you are deriving your joy this Christmas season from whether someone at a Starbucks restaurant says “Merry Christmas” to you, then your priorities are way out of order. I am secure enough in my faith that I don’t have to have it reinforced by every single person I encounter on a daily basis. God relies on Christians to be an example to the rest of the world. If you’re a Christian, it is your job to do that for others, not the other way around.
We hear some Christians complain about how we as a society are too easily offended. They get upset when people are offended by the term “Merry Christmas” or by the display of a Nativity scene. When we complain about what we don’t see this Christmas season, how is that any better? Many Christians also didn’t like it when a bakery was fined for refusing to cater a homosexual wedding. You can’t have it both ways.
When Christians make such a big deal out of something so trivial, it reinforces every negative stereotype that our media and so many non-Christians hold. Our goal is to win hearts for Christ. When we are confrontational and let things like this bother us, it only drives people further away.
Instead of complaining, how about we show kindness to each other this Christmas season? Do an act of charity for someone less fortunate? Spend time with the people you love the most? But most important, spread the good news about what Jesus did for us, without viewing those who are not Christians as an enemy. And if you say “Merry Christmas” to someone and they don’t say it back, choose to still have joy in your heart.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Two years of marriage!
This weekend, my wife and I are celebrating two years of marriage. If you know me well, you know that I like to express myself through writing. I wanted to write something about marriage on this occasion, and after much thought I decided to talk about how difficult it is to sustain a good marriage. Maybe you think I'm not qualified to talk about it, since two years isn't that long, but I wanted to at least share my thoughts.
It took me until I was 28 to find someone to marry, so I always assumed that finding someone was the hard part and that everything else would easily fall into place. But it turns out that finding someone was only the beginning. I've learned that maintaining a good marriage, though it is incredibly rewarding, is also a much bigger challenge.
Unfortunately, there are many marriages that end in divorce. But it's not something that anyone means to happen. No one gets married wanting it to end badly. No one goes into a marriage saying, "I'll do this for a while, then I'll leave." Everyone gets married expecting it to last for the rest of their lives. Virtually everyone, at least at the beginning of their marriage, has every intention of making it work and tries their best.
One reason why marriage is so difficult is because when you get married, you completely open yourself up to someone, and while it can be a great feeling to let your guard down for someone and just be yourself, it also leaves you vulnerable. Someone from a different background is now around you constantly, and they get to know you almost as well as you know yourself. You get a new perspective on all your strengths and weaknesses that you may have never seen. Someone evaluates you and picks you apart like no one ever has, not even your parents.
This can be difficult to handle, especially for someone like me who is an introvert and also had little relationship experience before getting married. I don't like being watched and evaluated. I don't like someone telling me that the way I have been doing something my whole life is wrong. I'd like to think I've gotten better at that, however, and I need to since it is something everyone who gets married will have to go through. In fact, it's something that two people who are married should do for each other. I don't believe my wife and I are doing our jobs if we don't challenge each other to become a better person. But it's not human nature to do this, so it requires making the choice to have a positive attitude and understand my wife is trying to help me.
No matter how kind of a heart we have, no matter how much we truly care about other people and try to get along, whenever two or more people come together for any purpose, there will be conflict. This is especially true for marriage, which is supposed to be the strongest and deepest connection that one human being will ever make with another. Married couples deal every day with some of life's biggest issues: paying bills, children, maintaining a household, and dealing with stressful family situations. It's naive to think there won't be difficulties.
Long before I got married, I heard a lot about how difficult marriage is. And I was expecting to mess up plenty of times. But I thought it would mostly be things like, I didn't clean the dishes well enough or that I burned dinner. I've done stuff like that, but I've done worse things too. I thought all those stories about huge arguments or guys doing selfish things would never happen to me. I thought having good intentions and a good heart, like I always try to do, would be enough. But I was wrong.
I never once have tried to do something to genuinely hurt my wife. But I have done it, quite a few times. When my wife gets upset with me, often I get confused and defensive because I don't understand why. I was honestly not trying to be selfish or neglectful, but it happened anyway. And I imagine my wife feels the same way when she upsets me.
That's a big reason why marriage is so difficult. Men and women communicate differently. They have different needs. They handle conflict in different ways. I understand why a man acts the way he does because I am one, but it's hard for me to understand why a woman does what she does. I'm not saying that one is "smarter" or "better" than the other. We're just different and need to understand that.
I know that some marriages face problems that are irreconcilable and make divorce a necessity. Yet God intended for man and woman to be together in marriage even though he made them so different. There must be a way to make it work. Again, it's not something that comes instinctively. We have to make the choice to make it work. Love, and with it marriage, is a choice. No one forces us to get married; it's something we do of our own free will. So, if I choose to get married, shouldn't I also choose to try to make it last?
That often requires leaving my pride at the door. It's knowing that the way something sounds in my head before I say it may not be the same way my wife hears it. It's realizing that my actions could negatively impact others, even when I have the best of intentions and really do think about the rest of my family. And sometimes, there will be disagreements that we cannot solve and have to agree to disagree and move on.
That might be the most difficult part for me. One of my biggest worries, in marriage, my job, or anywhere else, is that someone thinks I was intentionally trying to be difficult or didn't think before I acted. I try to think logically and have a reason why I take every action that I do, and when someone else doesn't see it that way, I get upset. I often feel like I have to "win" every argument, but sometimes it's better not to think about who wins and loses or who was right and who was wrong. Even when what the other person does makes no sense, we still need to make a choice to love our spouse anyway. That's very hard. But it has to be done for any marriage to work.
The most important thing to remember is that I love my wife no matter what. When we say "for better or worse" at weddings, we have no idea what that will entail over the course of our marriage. But they are not just empty words. They are perhaps the most important words that anyone who gets married will say. No matter how difficult things get, or how bad any disagreement gets, choosing to love my wife is not always easy, but it's critical. And whenever we make it through a tough time, I like to think that it makes our bond stronger and helps us to enjoy the good times and the milestones, like this one, even more.
Anyway, thanks for reading, and I hope to learn a lot more about marriage in the future. Thankfully, after two years, we are just getting started!
It took me until I was 28 to find someone to marry, so I always assumed that finding someone was the hard part and that everything else would easily fall into place. But it turns out that finding someone was only the beginning. I've learned that maintaining a good marriage, though it is incredibly rewarding, is also a much bigger challenge.
Unfortunately, there are many marriages that end in divorce. But it's not something that anyone means to happen. No one gets married wanting it to end badly. No one goes into a marriage saying, "I'll do this for a while, then I'll leave." Everyone gets married expecting it to last for the rest of their lives. Virtually everyone, at least at the beginning of their marriage, has every intention of making it work and tries their best.
One reason why marriage is so difficult is because when you get married, you completely open yourself up to someone, and while it can be a great feeling to let your guard down for someone and just be yourself, it also leaves you vulnerable. Someone from a different background is now around you constantly, and they get to know you almost as well as you know yourself. You get a new perspective on all your strengths and weaknesses that you may have never seen. Someone evaluates you and picks you apart like no one ever has, not even your parents.
This can be difficult to handle, especially for someone like me who is an introvert and also had little relationship experience before getting married. I don't like being watched and evaluated. I don't like someone telling me that the way I have been doing something my whole life is wrong. I'd like to think I've gotten better at that, however, and I need to since it is something everyone who gets married will have to go through. In fact, it's something that two people who are married should do for each other. I don't believe my wife and I are doing our jobs if we don't challenge each other to become a better person. But it's not human nature to do this, so it requires making the choice to have a positive attitude and understand my wife is trying to help me.
No matter how kind of a heart we have, no matter how much we truly care about other people and try to get along, whenever two or more people come together for any purpose, there will be conflict. This is especially true for marriage, which is supposed to be the strongest and deepest connection that one human being will ever make with another. Married couples deal every day with some of life's biggest issues: paying bills, children, maintaining a household, and dealing with stressful family situations. It's naive to think there won't be difficulties.
Long before I got married, I heard a lot about how difficult marriage is. And I was expecting to mess up plenty of times. But I thought it would mostly be things like, I didn't clean the dishes well enough or that I burned dinner. I've done stuff like that, but I've done worse things too. I thought all those stories about huge arguments or guys doing selfish things would never happen to me. I thought having good intentions and a good heart, like I always try to do, would be enough. But I was wrong.
I never once have tried to do something to genuinely hurt my wife. But I have done it, quite a few times. When my wife gets upset with me, often I get confused and defensive because I don't understand why. I was honestly not trying to be selfish or neglectful, but it happened anyway. And I imagine my wife feels the same way when she upsets me.
That's a big reason why marriage is so difficult. Men and women communicate differently. They have different needs. They handle conflict in different ways. I understand why a man acts the way he does because I am one, but it's hard for me to understand why a woman does what she does. I'm not saying that one is "smarter" or "better" than the other. We're just different and need to understand that.
I know that some marriages face problems that are irreconcilable and make divorce a necessity. Yet God intended for man and woman to be together in marriage even though he made them so different. There must be a way to make it work. Again, it's not something that comes instinctively. We have to make the choice to make it work. Love, and with it marriage, is a choice. No one forces us to get married; it's something we do of our own free will. So, if I choose to get married, shouldn't I also choose to try to make it last?
That often requires leaving my pride at the door. It's knowing that the way something sounds in my head before I say it may not be the same way my wife hears it. It's realizing that my actions could negatively impact others, even when I have the best of intentions and really do think about the rest of my family. And sometimes, there will be disagreements that we cannot solve and have to agree to disagree and move on.
That might be the most difficult part for me. One of my biggest worries, in marriage, my job, or anywhere else, is that someone thinks I was intentionally trying to be difficult or didn't think before I acted. I try to think logically and have a reason why I take every action that I do, and when someone else doesn't see it that way, I get upset. I often feel like I have to "win" every argument, but sometimes it's better not to think about who wins and loses or who was right and who was wrong. Even when what the other person does makes no sense, we still need to make a choice to love our spouse anyway. That's very hard. But it has to be done for any marriage to work.
The most important thing to remember is that I love my wife no matter what. When we say "for better or worse" at weddings, we have no idea what that will entail over the course of our marriage. But they are not just empty words. They are perhaps the most important words that anyone who gets married will say. No matter how difficult things get, or how bad any disagreement gets, choosing to love my wife is not always easy, but it's critical. And whenever we make it through a tough time, I like to think that it makes our bond stronger and helps us to enjoy the good times and the milestones, like this one, even more.
Anyway, thanks for reading, and I hope to learn a lot more about marriage in the future. Thankfully, after two years, we are just getting started!
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
On this date...
We have an obsession with "on this date". We celebrate birthdays and wedding anniversaries that represent milestones in our lives. There's even a feature on Facebook that allows us to see what we were up to on this date in previous years. But we also remember solemn dates, particularly anniversaries of when someone passed away.
Why is this such a big deal? When we remember one of these events, it basically means that the earth is in the same point of its orbit now as it was when that event took place. Maybe that sounds cynical, but I'm trying to understand this. I admit, I do this about as much as anyone. I've always had a good sense of history. I can remember my family's birthdays and when all my grandparents passed away. I even made plans for my two-year anniversary with my wife several months in advance.
This week (August 16, to be exact), will mark nine years since my Grandma, Merry L. Johnston, passed away. It was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. For a few weeks, I was going up to the hospital almost every day to see her, hoping her condition would improve, until on August 16, the doctor informed us that it's just not meant to be. A few hours later, she was gone. After she passed, I went into her hospital room to see her one more time. I remembered all the days I saw her that she was full of life, and of love for her family. Now, her body lay there at rest, and all those memories were in the past. She was now with God.
This wasn't the first person who was close to me who passed away. My first real encounter with death was when I was 12, when my Grandpa Heffel passed away. It was a difficult experience, but I wasn't old enough to really make sense of what it meant. Several other family members would pass away in the coming years, and each was sad in its own way. But Grandma Johnston's death changed my life.
Just a few days after she passed away, I went back to Hillsdale College after being home for the summer. For weeks, I felt a huge void in my life. I felt lost. I had a hard time concentrating in classes. I found myself constantly wanting to be alone. I felt helpless. I spent many nights just quietly praying to God, asking him for guidance through this time, though I didn't know how I would do it. I look back at that time as an incredible time of growth for me. Through it all, I learned to trust God in a whole new way.
I was 21 years old, and it didn't just feel like a family member died, but also my childhood. I used to see or talk to Grandma several times a week. Every time there was a White Sox game on TV, I would wait for her to call me and complain about how annoying their announcers are, just like she used to. But the phone didn't ring. The next summer, at my softball games, I kept hoping I would look up and see her walking up to the field carrying her lawn chair, but she never showed up. And every family gathering wasn't the same without the really good coleslaw she used to make. It's stuff like that I missed the most.
When something difficult happens, it's hard not to wonder why. Grandma was a wonderful person. I just always wanted to be around her. There were nights when I cried out to God, wondering why such a great person had to leave us. She didn't deserve this. But after a while, I started to feel like that was selfish of me. I wanted her here because I enjoyed having her around. She was in pain, and her passing away so she would not have to suffer anymore was for the best.
Even today, I still have dreams where her and Grandpa (who passed away in 2009) appear and I get to see them, if only for a few minutes. I'm not a dream expert, but I'm thinking that may be God's way of letting me know that everything is ok and that they are at peace. But it also helps keep their memory alive. Since I no longer get to see them, it gets more difficult to do this with the passage of time.
No one wants to die. No one wants to get old. But we have no choice. Our bodies age and we can't stop it from happening. We can take measures to improve our health, but it's a battle all of us will eventually lose. And it doesn't seem right that someone can no longer be with us just because their bodies give out. I cried a little at my wedding a couple of years ago because I thought about all those who have been a big part of my life but couldn't be there. But if we continue to remember them, year after year, they've never really left.
That's the significance of "dates". At least once a year, we need a reminder of why someone who is no longer around is important to us. We won't make any more memories with them, but we can hold the ones that we did make in our hearts.
It's also a reminder that we are carrying on the legacy of previous generations. In everything I do for the rest of my life, I am continuing the tradition of both the Johnston and Heffel families, adding my own chapter. I've been blessed and had more opportunities than most other generations in my family. And I also face unique problems and challenges.
What will my legacy be? I hope to make my family proud. I hope that for years after I'm gone, the next generations will look back at me and see someone who was worth emulating and whose legacy was worth continuing.
Why is this such a big deal? When we remember one of these events, it basically means that the earth is in the same point of its orbit now as it was when that event took place. Maybe that sounds cynical, but I'm trying to understand this. I admit, I do this about as much as anyone. I've always had a good sense of history. I can remember my family's birthdays and when all my grandparents passed away. I even made plans for my two-year anniversary with my wife several months in advance.
This week (August 16, to be exact), will mark nine years since my Grandma, Merry L. Johnston, passed away. It was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. For a few weeks, I was going up to the hospital almost every day to see her, hoping her condition would improve, until on August 16, the doctor informed us that it's just not meant to be. A few hours later, she was gone. After she passed, I went into her hospital room to see her one more time. I remembered all the days I saw her that she was full of life, and of love for her family. Now, her body lay there at rest, and all those memories were in the past. She was now with God.
This wasn't the first person who was close to me who passed away. My first real encounter with death was when I was 12, when my Grandpa Heffel passed away. It was a difficult experience, but I wasn't old enough to really make sense of what it meant. Several other family members would pass away in the coming years, and each was sad in its own way. But Grandma Johnston's death changed my life.
Just a few days after she passed away, I went back to Hillsdale College after being home for the summer. For weeks, I felt a huge void in my life. I felt lost. I had a hard time concentrating in classes. I found myself constantly wanting to be alone. I felt helpless. I spent many nights just quietly praying to God, asking him for guidance through this time, though I didn't know how I would do it. I look back at that time as an incredible time of growth for me. Through it all, I learned to trust God in a whole new way.
I was 21 years old, and it didn't just feel like a family member died, but also my childhood. I used to see or talk to Grandma several times a week. Every time there was a White Sox game on TV, I would wait for her to call me and complain about how annoying their announcers are, just like she used to. But the phone didn't ring. The next summer, at my softball games, I kept hoping I would look up and see her walking up to the field carrying her lawn chair, but she never showed up. And every family gathering wasn't the same without the really good coleslaw she used to make. It's stuff like that I missed the most.
When something difficult happens, it's hard not to wonder why. Grandma was a wonderful person. I just always wanted to be around her. There were nights when I cried out to God, wondering why such a great person had to leave us. She didn't deserve this. But after a while, I started to feel like that was selfish of me. I wanted her here because I enjoyed having her around. She was in pain, and her passing away so she would not have to suffer anymore was for the best.
Even today, I still have dreams where her and Grandpa (who passed away in 2009) appear and I get to see them, if only for a few minutes. I'm not a dream expert, but I'm thinking that may be God's way of letting me know that everything is ok and that they are at peace. But it also helps keep their memory alive. Since I no longer get to see them, it gets more difficult to do this with the passage of time.
No one wants to die. No one wants to get old. But we have no choice. Our bodies age and we can't stop it from happening. We can take measures to improve our health, but it's a battle all of us will eventually lose. And it doesn't seem right that someone can no longer be with us just because their bodies give out. I cried a little at my wedding a couple of years ago because I thought about all those who have been a big part of my life but couldn't be there. But if we continue to remember them, year after year, they've never really left.
That's the significance of "dates". At least once a year, we need a reminder of why someone who is no longer around is important to us. We won't make any more memories with them, but we can hold the ones that we did make in our hearts.
It's also a reminder that we are carrying on the legacy of previous generations. In everything I do for the rest of my life, I am continuing the tradition of both the Johnston and Heffel families, adding my own chapter. I've been blessed and had more opportunities than most other generations in my family. And I also face unique problems and challenges.
What will my legacy be? I hope to make my family proud. I hope that for years after I'm gone, the next generations will look back at me and see someone who was worth emulating and whose legacy was worth continuing.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Being a Stepfather
No man plans to be a stepfather. As boys grow up, they dream of finding a wife, getting married, and having children of their own someday. But no boy has dreams of someday marrying a woman who already has children and raising kids that belong to someone else.
Being a stepfather isn’t something we plan for or expect. It just happens. I knew my wife for 15 years before we started dating and eventually decided to get married. In that time, she was married once before and had two sons. I was a single guy living by myself. All I ever had to think about was getting to work and feeding myself every day. Now suddenly, I was sharing a house with three other people and was responsible for raising two elementary-aged children.
Being a stepfather is not easy. I knew that before I became one. But it turns out that I had no idea what that means. It’s a rewarding experience, and I don’t regret taking it on. But it has also been the most challenging experience of my life. And while there’s no substitute for learning on the job, there are some things I have learned that I wish I had known going into my marriage.
So, whether you’re already a stepfather, about to become one, or dating a woman who has kids, here are a few pieces of advice that I can offer after nearly two years of experience:
Number 1: You’re not their dad. OK, that sounds obvious. But it bears repeating as much as necessary. No matter how much you are around your stepkids or how much you do for them, they already have a dad. Even if their real dad is deceased or for some other reason nowhere to be found, you will never be their father. If they think of you as their dad or start calling you “dad”, don’t discourage it. But don’t encourage or even expect it either.
Some stepfathers think they will swoop in and be the hero to his wife and her kids. But they likely won’t think of you that way, so don’t think of yourself that way, either. Don’t try to replace their dad, but rather think of yourself as a “bonus” dad, and hopefully they will too.
Number 2: The kids, and your wife, had a life before you. No one can erase their past. It makes us who we are today. When two people have children together and then get divorced, they are linked together forever. In most cases, it’s more of a business relationship than a personal one. But I’ll admit, it’s difficult not to feel jealous when my wife and the boys reminisce about things that happened when my wife was still married to their dad, or to feel like my territory is being invaded when their dad comes to visit them at my house.
In those times, I try to remember that my wife and her ex-husband once were a family and had a life together. Just because my wife hasn’t erased that from her memory doesn’t mean that she thinks any less of me and our relationship. I expect my wife to respect who I was before we started dating, so I should be willing to do the same for her. I also remember that she’s including the boys’ father in their lives because she cares about the children and still seeks what’s best for them. That’s to be commended.
One of my biggest surprises is that my stepsons like to talk to me about their dad. They talk to him on the phone a lot and spend time with him when he is in town, and I used to think that I need to just “stay out of the way” and let them have their time together. But the boys, and even sometimes my wife, like to tell me about their conversations and all the things they used to do while their dad and mom were still married. If that happens, don’t get jealous or defensive. Instead, think of it as them wanting to share more of their life with you, which should make you feel good. If you are marrying a woman who is widowed, I imagine this becomes even more important, to help keep their father’s memory alive.
Number 3: Take time to learn. I had several hobbies and interests that I was passionate about before getting married: baseball, The Simpsons, and American history, to name a few. When I was single, I invested a lot of time in those things. But my wife helped me to understand that if being a good stepparent was really important to me (which it is), I would take time to learn about that as well. Since being married, I’ve picked up a few books and articles on the subject, hoping I could learn how to be a better parent.
It’s also important to learn about your stepkids’ interests. To put it bluntly, I have almost nothing in common with my two stepsons. They don’t share my interest in baseball, and I don’t share their interest in video games. We like completely different music and TV shows. And our personalities are polar opposites. But I’ve at least taken time to play video games and NERF guns with them in the hopes that we can connect. They are much better at those things than I am, but they don’t seem to care. The only thing they remember is that I made an effort.
And sometimes, they show an interest in my hobbies. I have never asked them or expected them to, but they do it on their own. That makes me feel good.
Number 4: Learn to take constructive criticism well. You want be good at parenting your stepkids, right? Well, who better to learn from than someone who’s been around them their whole life, their mother? I was not good at this at first. When we first got married, every time I did something wrong and my wife corrected me, I took it personally. It made me think I wasn’t good enough to be a parent, and that caused me to get defensive and lash out. Sometimes, if I tried my best and didn’t do something right, it made me think my wife didn’t appreciate me. It caused some unnecessary arguments. Over time, I’ve had to change my mindset.
Stepparenting is not an act of charity. So if you’re thinking of it that way, stop right now. It’s easy to think that since they aren’t your kids, your wife should praise you for any and everything you do. But when you marry someone, you agree to carry each other’s challenges together, including children. Your wife is not looking for an “assistant” or “sidekick”, but rather an equal partner. When she corrects you or gives you advice, it’s not because you’re not good enough or she doesn’t appreciate you. It’s because she wants you to succeed.
Number 5: Cherish time alone with your wife. Couples who marry with no prior children have time alone to bond as a couple before starting a family. That’s not so with stepfamilies. From day one, we had an eight and a seven-year-old in the house. My wife and I try to occasionally do activities on our own, and this is critical because we need that alone time that we didn’t get. When we find ourselves at home with no kids, I make sure I am talking to my wife instead of turning on the TV and zoning out.
I close with my most important piece of advice: Remember why you are doing this. You want what’s best for the kids and want to help as much as you can, but you aren’t doing it for their praise. If they express appreciation for you, great. But there will be times when they complain about what you made for dinner or that you are sending them to bed early. There will be days when you wish that was all they are complaining about. There will even be times when they say they would rather be with their dad.
Don’t be discouraged. You are doing this because you love your wife. Keep this in mind when things get tough. And hopefully, one day, the kids will look back and appreciate all that you did too.
Being a stepfather isn’t something we plan for or expect. It just happens. I knew my wife for 15 years before we started dating and eventually decided to get married. In that time, she was married once before and had two sons. I was a single guy living by myself. All I ever had to think about was getting to work and feeding myself every day. Now suddenly, I was sharing a house with three other people and was responsible for raising two elementary-aged children.
Being a stepfather is not easy. I knew that before I became one. But it turns out that I had no idea what that means. It’s a rewarding experience, and I don’t regret taking it on. But it has also been the most challenging experience of my life. And while there’s no substitute for learning on the job, there are some things I have learned that I wish I had known going into my marriage.
So, whether you’re already a stepfather, about to become one, or dating a woman who has kids, here are a few pieces of advice that I can offer after nearly two years of experience:
Number 1: You’re not their dad. OK, that sounds obvious. But it bears repeating as much as necessary. No matter how much you are around your stepkids or how much you do for them, they already have a dad. Even if their real dad is deceased or for some other reason nowhere to be found, you will never be their father. If they think of you as their dad or start calling you “dad”, don’t discourage it. But don’t encourage or even expect it either.
Some stepfathers think they will swoop in and be the hero to his wife and her kids. But they likely won’t think of you that way, so don’t think of yourself that way, either. Don’t try to replace their dad, but rather think of yourself as a “bonus” dad, and hopefully they will too.
Number 2: The kids, and your wife, had a life before you. No one can erase their past. It makes us who we are today. When two people have children together and then get divorced, they are linked together forever. In most cases, it’s more of a business relationship than a personal one. But I’ll admit, it’s difficult not to feel jealous when my wife and the boys reminisce about things that happened when my wife was still married to their dad, or to feel like my territory is being invaded when their dad comes to visit them at my house.
In those times, I try to remember that my wife and her ex-husband once were a family and had a life together. Just because my wife hasn’t erased that from her memory doesn’t mean that she thinks any less of me and our relationship. I expect my wife to respect who I was before we started dating, so I should be willing to do the same for her. I also remember that she’s including the boys’ father in their lives because she cares about the children and still seeks what’s best for them. That’s to be commended.
One of my biggest surprises is that my stepsons like to talk to me about their dad. They talk to him on the phone a lot and spend time with him when he is in town, and I used to think that I need to just “stay out of the way” and let them have their time together. But the boys, and even sometimes my wife, like to tell me about their conversations and all the things they used to do while their dad and mom were still married. If that happens, don’t get jealous or defensive. Instead, think of it as them wanting to share more of their life with you, which should make you feel good. If you are marrying a woman who is widowed, I imagine this becomes even more important, to help keep their father’s memory alive.
Number 3: Take time to learn. I had several hobbies and interests that I was passionate about before getting married: baseball, The Simpsons, and American history, to name a few. When I was single, I invested a lot of time in those things. But my wife helped me to understand that if being a good stepparent was really important to me (which it is), I would take time to learn about that as well. Since being married, I’ve picked up a few books and articles on the subject, hoping I could learn how to be a better parent.
It’s also important to learn about your stepkids’ interests. To put it bluntly, I have almost nothing in common with my two stepsons. They don’t share my interest in baseball, and I don’t share their interest in video games. We like completely different music and TV shows. And our personalities are polar opposites. But I’ve at least taken time to play video games and NERF guns with them in the hopes that we can connect. They are much better at those things than I am, but they don’t seem to care. The only thing they remember is that I made an effort.
And sometimes, they show an interest in my hobbies. I have never asked them or expected them to, but they do it on their own. That makes me feel good.
Number 4: Learn to take constructive criticism well. You want be good at parenting your stepkids, right? Well, who better to learn from than someone who’s been around them their whole life, their mother? I was not good at this at first. When we first got married, every time I did something wrong and my wife corrected me, I took it personally. It made me think I wasn’t good enough to be a parent, and that caused me to get defensive and lash out. Sometimes, if I tried my best and didn’t do something right, it made me think my wife didn’t appreciate me. It caused some unnecessary arguments. Over time, I’ve had to change my mindset.
Stepparenting is not an act of charity. So if you’re thinking of it that way, stop right now. It’s easy to think that since they aren’t your kids, your wife should praise you for any and everything you do. But when you marry someone, you agree to carry each other’s challenges together, including children. Your wife is not looking for an “assistant” or “sidekick”, but rather an equal partner. When she corrects you or gives you advice, it’s not because you’re not good enough or she doesn’t appreciate you. It’s because she wants you to succeed.
Number 5: Cherish time alone with your wife. Couples who marry with no prior children have time alone to bond as a couple before starting a family. That’s not so with stepfamilies. From day one, we had an eight and a seven-year-old in the house. My wife and I try to occasionally do activities on our own, and this is critical because we need that alone time that we didn’t get. When we find ourselves at home with no kids, I make sure I am talking to my wife instead of turning on the TV and zoning out.
I close with my most important piece of advice: Remember why you are doing this. You want what’s best for the kids and want to help as much as you can, but you aren’t doing it for their praise. If they express appreciation for you, great. But there will be times when they complain about what you made for dinner or that you are sending them to bed early. There will be days when you wish that was all they are complaining about. There will even be times when they say they would rather be with their dad.
Don’t be discouraged. You are doing this because you love your wife. Keep this in mind when things get tough. And hopefully, one day, the kids will look back and appreciate all that you did too.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
A nation of reaction
A few weeks ago, a young white man, Dylann Roof, went into a black church in South Carolina and murdered nine people. We later found much evidence that Roof was a white supremacist, and he has stated that he was hoping to start a race war. In response, many people called on the state of South Carolina to remove the Confederate flag from its Capitol building. Under increasing public pressure, they permanently took the flag down a few days ago.
Since the shooting, this flag has been one of the hottest topics of debate in America. Many folks find it offensive because it represents an era in our history in which we enslaved African Americans and treated them as inferior citizens. Many Americans came to the defense of the flag, however, claiming that it doesn't represent slavery, but rather the southern way of life, and that we should preserve it as part of history.
I can see at least some merit in both arguments, and I'm not going to come down on one side or the other here. But this is the question that I pose to everyone, on all sides of the discussion:
If this is such an important issue, why did it take nine people to die to get us to do something about it?
Every time something like this happens, we look for something to blame, some societal factor that influenced an otherwise average person to do something terrible. We went through this same thing after the Columbine shooting in 1999. After two students went into the school and shot 13 people to death, we made every effort to blame anyone or anything besides the two shooters who actually committed the crime. "If only the other students hadn't bullied them." "If only they hadn't played those violent video games." "If only we had stricter gun laws."
It's unclear what influence these factors had on the two shooters, if any. A lot of it was just speculation. But it sure made for a sensational story and allowed us to avoid having to confront the real issue. I have never understood why it is so difficult for us to accept the fact that some people are just evil and to blame them for their actions. It may be because we like to think we have control, that there is something we can "do" to prevent future atrocities from happening.
Our news media knows this about us and takes full advantage every time tragedy strikes. We may briefly come together after it happens and express prayers and condolences for the victims, but shortly afterwards Americans were thirsty for answers. The news media was right there, ready to quench our thirst with stories on the Confederate flag. And in this age of social media, where virtually anyone can communicate with the rest of the world within seconds, it didn't take long for us to start fighting about it. Our own president was even talking about the flag within hours after the shooting. He's not stupid. He knew that this is a divisive issue and that talking about it would only add fuel to the fire. Is this what passes for leadership these days?
I have seen at least several news channels post on Facebook, asking people to give their opinions on the Confederate flag. I even saw one channel ask people to submit pictures of people who still support the flag. Again, the executives at these stations are not stupid. They've done enough of these posts by now to know that the conversation will not remain civil. They know they will get vitriolic responses from both sides and start arguments. In fact, I suspect that's why they keep doing it. Stories that divide us always get the most viewers, and in an industry that's about making money, that's all that matters.
Yes, it's disgusting. It's a sad assessment of the state of our society today. But we allow it to happen.
Evil is part of the human condition, and there is nothing we can do to eliminate it. It represents a force that is outside of our control, and I think that is why we have such a hard time holding people accountable for their actions. Whenever tragedy strikes, instead of looking for "reasons" why it happened, it's important for us to offer sympathy, be here for each other, and trust in God and the fact that he is in control and has a plan, even when it doesn't make sense to us.
This doesn't mean that we can't take measures to prevent crimes, such as passing laws, using punishment to deter criminals, and even being kinder to our fellow man. But if a person has evil in their heart, unless they make the decision to change, nothing we can do will stop them from at least trying to do evil things. Thousands of students are bullied and thousands of people are exposed to guns every day, but most of them don't go on killing sprees. I know that I have watched violent movies and video games and it never motivated me to kill anyone, nor did it motivate most others who have seen them. Those other "motivations" can only influence someone if they allow it to.
The same applies to the Confederate flag. Maybe taking it down is symbolic of the fact that we as a nation have moved beyond the racism of our earlier days and want to take a stand against racism where it still exists. I get that. But if that's the case, it shouldn't have taken a mass shooting to spur us into action. We should be a nation of proaction, not reaction.
In South Carolina, they are taking the flag down for the wrong reasons. It is ridiculous to think that taking down the Confederate flag will prevent future murders. It's even more ridiculous to think that had they not put it up before, this shooting never would have happened. Thousands of people saw that flag every day, but most of them never killed anyone. We are patting ourselves on the back for supposedly doing something good in response to this tragedy. But what will this accomplish? Have we actually done anything about violence in America? It seems to me that if anything, we have only riled people up even more.
Think about just how much power we have given this young man. South Carolina took down their Confederate flag as a direct result of this shooting. An entire state changed its laws because of the actions of one evil man, not to mention the arguments that are springing up all across the country. How can we allow him to have so much power? I'm sure Roof will get a severe punishment for what he did, but we are sending a very dangerous message to every potential criminal out there. They have seen what just happened and now know that they can use violence to influence us. They might go to jail, but they can still call the shots. How can we justify that?
We can lock Dylann Roof up and prevent him from ever killing anyone again, but that doesn't mean the damage he has caused our nation is complete. We have allowed the negative effects of this tragedy to go far beyond one church. We have allowed his actions to divide us, to pit us against each other at a time when we should be coming together to comfort each other and to take a stand against evil. Instead, we're yelling at each other over a smokescreen issue.
In that sense, we have allowed Dylann Roof to win.
Since the shooting, this flag has been one of the hottest topics of debate in America. Many folks find it offensive because it represents an era in our history in which we enslaved African Americans and treated them as inferior citizens. Many Americans came to the defense of the flag, however, claiming that it doesn't represent slavery, but rather the southern way of life, and that we should preserve it as part of history.
I can see at least some merit in both arguments, and I'm not going to come down on one side or the other here. But this is the question that I pose to everyone, on all sides of the discussion:
If this is such an important issue, why did it take nine people to die to get us to do something about it?
Every time something like this happens, we look for something to blame, some societal factor that influenced an otherwise average person to do something terrible. We went through this same thing after the Columbine shooting in 1999. After two students went into the school and shot 13 people to death, we made every effort to blame anyone or anything besides the two shooters who actually committed the crime. "If only the other students hadn't bullied them." "If only they hadn't played those violent video games." "If only we had stricter gun laws."
It's unclear what influence these factors had on the two shooters, if any. A lot of it was just speculation. But it sure made for a sensational story and allowed us to avoid having to confront the real issue. I have never understood why it is so difficult for us to accept the fact that some people are just evil and to blame them for their actions. It may be because we like to think we have control, that there is something we can "do" to prevent future atrocities from happening.
Our news media knows this about us and takes full advantage every time tragedy strikes. We may briefly come together after it happens and express prayers and condolences for the victims, but shortly afterwards Americans were thirsty for answers. The news media was right there, ready to quench our thirst with stories on the Confederate flag. And in this age of social media, where virtually anyone can communicate with the rest of the world within seconds, it didn't take long for us to start fighting about it. Our own president was even talking about the flag within hours after the shooting. He's not stupid. He knew that this is a divisive issue and that talking about it would only add fuel to the fire. Is this what passes for leadership these days?
I have seen at least several news channels post on Facebook, asking people to give their opinions on the Confederate flag. I even saw one channel ask people to submit pictures of people who still support the flag. Again, the executives at these stations are not stupid. They've done enough of these posts by now to know that the conversation will not remain civil. They know they will get vitriolic responses from both sides and start arguments. In fact, I suspect that's why they keep doing it. Stories that divide us always get the most viewers, and in an industry that's about making money, that's all that matters.
Yes, it's disgusting. It's a sad assessment of the state of our society today. But we allow it to happen.
Evil is part of the human condition, and there is nothing we can do to eliminate it. It represents a force that is outside of our control, and I think that is why we have such a hard time holding people accountable for their actions. Whenever tragedy strikes, instead of looking for "reasons" why it happened, it's important for us to offer sympathy, be here for each other, and trust in God and the fact that he is in control and has a plan, even when it doesn't make sense to us.
This doesn't mean that we can't take measures to prevent crimes, such as passing laws, using punishment to deter criminals, and even being kinder to our fellow man. But if a person has evil in their heart, unless they make the decision to change, nothing we can do will stop them from at least trying to do evil things. Thousands of students are bullied and thousands of people are exposed to guns every day, but most of them don't go on killing sprees. I know that I have watched violent movies and video games and it never motivated me to kill anyone, nor did it motivate most others who have seen them. Those other "motivations" can only influence someone if they allow it to.
The same applies to the Confederate flag. Maybe taking it down is symbolic of the fact that we as a nation have moved beyond the racism of our earlier days and want to take a stand against racism where it still exists. I get that. But if that's the case, it shouldn't have taken a mass shooting to spur us into action. We should be a nation of proaction, not reaction.
In South Carolina, they are taking the flag down for the wrong reasons. It is ridiculous to think that taking down the Confederate flag will prevent future murders. It's even more ridiculous to think that had they not put it up before, this shooting never would have happened. Thousands of people saw that flag every day, but most of them never killed anyone. We are patting ourselves on the back for supposedly doing something good in response to this tragedy. But what will this accomplish? Have we actually done anything about violence in America? It seems to me that if anything, we have only riled people up even more.
Think about just how much power we have given this young man. South Carolina took down their Confederate flag as a direct result of this shooting. An entire state changed its laws because of the actions of one evil man, not to mention the arguments that are springing up all across the country. How can we allow him to have so much power? I'm sure Roof will get a severe punishment for what he did, but we are sending a very dangerous message to every potential criminal out there. They have seen what just happened and now know that they can use violence to influence us. They might go to jail, but they can still call the shots. How can we justify that?
We can lock Dylann Roof up and prevent him from ever killing anyone again, but that doesn't mean the damage he has caused our nation is complete. We have allowed the negative effects of this tragedy to go far beyond one church. We have allowed his actions to divide us, to pit us against each other at a time when we should be coming together to comfort each other and to take a stand against evil. Instead, we're yelling at each other over a smokescreen issue.
In that sense, we have allowed Dylann Roof to win.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
I am in introvert
Hi, I'm Brian, and I am an introvert.
I recently took a personality test that determined I am far on the introvert side of the introvert/extrovert scale. If you know me at all, you probably don't think that's a surprise. I know I wasn't surprised by it. And since then I have been trying to learn more about what this means.
There seems to be a stigma attached to being an introvert in our society. Whether we are looking for a friend, a spouse, or a new employee, we value people who are "outgoing". We've lost all appreciation of "quiet"; we avoid being labelled as "reserved" or "shy" at all costs. Whenever I interview candidates for a job at my work, I never ask the candidate the standard question of "whether they are an introvert or extrovert", or some version of that, because if the candidate is a true introvert they likely won't be honest about it. They'll either say they are an extrovert or give the wishy-washy answer that they are some of both, "depending on the situation."
Well, guess what. I'm a true introvert and I'm not ashamed to say so.
Introverts are generally known for not being talkative and for valuing their alone time, but there is so much more to it than that. If you've been around me for any length of time, you know that I don't talk much and when I do, I'm not exactly the most articulate speaker. I used to think there was something wrong with me. At times, in high school and college, I tried to be that outgoing guy, but I just don't fit the bill. And I've learned to be fine with that.
When reading about the difference between extroverts and introverts, one of the most important traits of each is that while the former gain energy from being around other people, the latter lose energy this way. It's not that we don't like other people; in fact, I like being around other people. I just need to balance that with my time alone where I can recharge and do some deep thinking, more so than others. I like going on trips or going to social events, but I'm just as fine with a quiet night at home reading or watching TV.
Another difference is that extroverts tend to be quick thinkers, sorting out their thoughts as they speak, while introverts like to take the time to process what they hear and formulate their thoughts before speaking. Some people might take that as introverts being "slow" or even "dumb", but that's not true. Our brains just work differently. I think that's why I'm much better at writing than I am at verbal communication. I like to slow down and seek the deeper meaning in everything, sometimes to a fault. That's why I don't always enjoy "small talk", such as discussing the weather, and why I can't stand most "top 40" music. I understand things like this are necessary in some situations, but after a short amount of time I've usually had enough.
I've never been one to dabble into a lot of different interests; rather, I like to know a lot about something. And I've never been one to be friends with many people; instead, I prefer a few close connections. It's true that it doesn't allow me to get to know as many people, but for the ones I do know, I seek to make deep connections with them and remain loyal.
If you are reading this and you ever interact with me in person, please take the time to understand where I am coming from. Just because I'm not that talkative or don't always have something to say, that doesn't mean I'm stupid, that I don't like you, or that I don't care about you or what you have to say. It just means that I'm different from you. Sometimes, I just need time to reflect and to gather my thoughts. And one benefit of this is that it allows me to be a good listener. So if you're looking for someone to just hear what you have to say without judgment, I can be that person.
Introverts and extroverts can both be good people, and by no means do I think one is better than the other. We are all different, and we should celebrate that. I think introverts have an important place in our society and that we need them just as much as we need extroverts. We need the people that are good at making instant connections and able to interact with others in a lively manner, but we also need the deep thinkers and people who need alone time. And the two can indeed work together well. My wife is an extrovert, and in some ways my complete opposite, but we make our marriage work because we allow our differences to balance our home life and challenge each other to be better spouses and human beings.
I'm walking proof that you can be an introvert and still be successful in life. In both my personal and professional relationships, I've never been one to try to make a "grand entrance"; rather, I try to build loyalty over time by being kind to others, being a good listener, and being dependable day after day. I think that is a good way to make a lasting impression on others.
The most important key to enjoying life is being honest about who you are and embracing it. Maybe you've met me and think I don't talk enough, or that I'm not enough of a "people person". You're entitled to your opinion, but this is how God created me. If I was supposed to be an extrovert, he would have wired me that way. It's up to me to try to maximize the potential that God has given me. Instead of focusing on what I don't do, I will focus on my strengths and how who I am makes me a good husband, parent, coworker, and friend.
Anyway, thanks for reading my first post. I plan to write more in the future, and I hope you will come back.
I recently took a personality test that determined I am far on the introvert side of the introvert/extrovert scale. If you know me at all, you probably don't think that's a surprise. I know I wasn't surprised by it. And since then I have been trying to learn more about what this means.
There seems to be a stigma attached to being an introvert in our society. Whether we are looking for a friend, a spouse, or a new employee, we value people who are "outgoing". We've lost all appreciation of "quiet"; we avoid being labelled as "reserved" or "shy" at all costs. Whenever I interview candidates for a job at my work, I never ask the candidate the standard question of "whether they are an introvert or extrovert", or some version of that, because if the candidate is a true introvert they likely won't be honest about it. They'll either say they are an extrovert or give the wishy-washy answer that they are some of both, "depending on the situation."
Well, guess what. I'm a true introvert and I'm not ashamed to say so.
Introverts are generally known for not being talkative and for valuing their alone time, but there is so much more to it than that. If you've been around me for any length of time, you know that I don't talk much and when I do, I'm not exactly the most articulate speaker. I used to think there was something wrong with me. At times, in high school and college, I tried to be that outgoing guy, but I just don't fit the bill. And I've learned to be fine with that.
When reading about the difference between extroverts and introverts, one of the most important traits of each is that while the former gain energy from being around other people, the latter lose energy this way. It's not that we don't like other people; in fact, I like being around other people. I just need to balance that with my time alone where I can recharge and do some deep thinking, more so than others. I like going on trips or going to social events, but I'm just as fine with a quiet night at home reading or watching TV.
Another difference is that extroverts tend to be quick thinkers, sorting out their thoughts as they speak, while introverts like to take the time to process what they hear and formulate their thoughts before speaking. Some people might take that as introverts being "slow" or even "dumb", but that's not true. Our brains just work differently. I think that's why I'm much better at writing than I am at verbal communication. I like to slow down and seek the deeper meaning in everything, sometimes to a fault. That's why I don't always enjoy "small talk", such as discussing the weather, and why I can't stand most "top 40" music. I understand things like this are necessary in some situations, but after a short amount of time I've usually had enough.
I've never been one to dabble into a lot of different interests; rather, I like to know a lot about something. And I've never been one to be friends with many people; instead, I prefer a few close connections. It's true that it doesn't allow me to get to know as many people, but for the ones I do know, I seek to make deep connections with them and remain loyal.
If you are reading this and you ever interact with me in person, please take the time to understand where I am coming from. Just because I'm not that talkative or don't always have something to say, that doesn't mean I'm stupid, that I don't like you, or that I don't care about you or what you have to say. It just means that I'm different from you. Sometimes, I just need time to reflect and to gather my thoughts. And one benefit of this is that it allows me to be a good listener. So if you're looking for someone to just hear what you have to say without judgment, I can be that person.
Introverts and extroverts can both be good people, and by no means do I think one is better than the other. We are all different, and we should celebrate that. I think introverts have an important place in our society and that we need them just as much as we need extroverts. We need the people that are good at making instant connections and able to interact with others in a lively manner, but we also need the deep thinkers and people who need alone time. And the two can indeed work together well. My wife is an extrovert, and in some ways my complete opposite, but we make our marriage work because we allow our differences to balance our home life and challenge each other to be better spouses and human beings.
I'm walking proof that you can be an introvert and still be successful in life. In both my personal and professional relationships, I've never been one to try to make a "grand entrance"; rather, I try to build loyalty over time by being kind to others, being a good listener, and being dependable day after day. I think that is a good way to make a lasting impression on others.
The most important key to enjoying life is being honest about who you are and embracing it. Maybe you've met me and think I don't talk enough, or that I'm not enough of a "people person". You're entitled to your opinion, but this is how God created me. If I was supposed to be an extrovert, he would have wired me that way. It's up to me to try to maximize the potential that God has given me. Instead of focusing on what I don't do, I will focus on my strengths and how who I am makes me a good husband, parent, coworker, and friend.
Anyway, thanks for reading my first post. I plan to write more in the future, and I hope you will come back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)