Being a stepfather isn’t something we plan for or expect. It just happens. I knew my wife for 15 years before we started dating and eventually decided to get married. In that time, she was married once before and had two sons. I was a single guy living by myself. All I ever had to think about was getting to work and feeding myself every day. Now suddenly, I was sharing a house with three other people and was responsible for raising two elementary-aged children.
Being a stepfather is not easy. I knew that before I became one. But it turns out that I had no idea what that means. It’s a rewarding experience, and I don’t regret taking it on. But it has also been the most challenging experience of my life. And while there’s no substitute for learning on the job, there are some things I have learned that I wish I had known going into my marriage.
So, whether you’re already a stepfather, about to become one, or dating a woman who has kids, here are a few pieces of advice that I can offer after nearly two years of experience:
Number 1: You’re not their dad. OK, that sounds obvious. But it bears repeating as much as necessary. No matter how much you are around your stepkids or how much you do for them, they already have a dad. Even if their real dad is deceased or for some other reason nowhere to be found, you will never be their father. If they think of you as their dad or start calling you “dad”, don’t discourage it. But don’t encourage or even expect it either.
Some stepfathers think they will swoop in and be the hero to his wife and her kids. But they likely won’t think of you that way, so don’t think of yourself that way, either. Don’t try to replace their dad, but rather think of yourself as a “bonus” dad, and hopefully they will too.
Number 2: The kids, and your wife, had a life before you. No one can erase their past. It makes us who we are today. When two people have children together and then get divorced, they are linked together forever. In most cases, it’s more of a business relationship than a personal one. But I’ll admit, it’s difficult not to feel jealous when my wife and the boys reminisce about things that happened when my wife was still married to their dad, or to feel like my territory is being invaded when their dad comes to visit them at my house.
In those times, I try to remember that my wife and her ex-husband once were a family and had a life together. Just because my wife hasn’t erased that from her memory doesn’t mean that she thinks any less of me and our relationship. I expect my wife to respect who I was before we started dating, so I should be willing to do the same for her. I also remember that she’s including the boys’ father in their lives because she cares about the children and still seeks what’s best for them. That’s to be commended.
One of my biggest surprises is that my stepsons like to talk to me about their dad. They talk to him on the phone a lot and spend time with him when he is in town, and I used to think that I need to just “stay out of the way” and let them have their time together. But the boys, and even sometimes my wife, like to tell me about their conversations and all the things they used to do while their dad and mom were still married. If that happens, don’t get jealous or defensive. Instead, think of it as them wanting to share more of their life with you, which should make you feel good. If you are marrying a woman who is widowed, I imagine this becomes even more important, to help keep their father’s memory alive.
Number 3: Take time to learn. I had several hobbies and interests that I was passionate about before getting married: baseball, The Simpsons, and American history, to name a few. When I was single, I invested a lot of time in those things. But my wife helped me to understand that if being a good stepparent was really important to me (which it is), I would take time to learn about that as well. Since being married, I’ve picked up a few books and articles on the subject, hoping I could learn how to be a better parent.
It’s also important to learn about your stepkids’ interests. To put it bluntly, I have almost nothing in common with my two stepsons. They don’t share my interest in baseball, and I don’t share their interest in video games. We like completely different music and TV shows. And our personalities are polar opposites. But I’ve at least taken time to play video games and NERF guns with them in the hopes that we can connect. They are much better at those things than I am, but they don’t seem to care. The only thing they remember is that I made an effort.
And sometimes, they show an interest in my hobbies. I have never asked them or expected them to, but they do it on their own. That makes me feel good.
Number 4: Learn to take constructive criticism well. You want be good at parenting your stepkids, right? Well, who better to learn from than someone who’s been around them their whole life, their mother? I was not good at this at first. When we first got married, every time I did something wrong and my wife corrected me, I took it personally. It made me think I wasn’t good enough to be a parent, and that caused me to get defensive and lash out. Sometimes, if I tried my best and didn’t do something right, it made me think my wife didn’t appreciate me. It caused some unnecessary arguments. Over time, I’ve had to change my mindset.
Stepparenting is not an act of charity. So if you’re thinking of it that way, stop right now. It’s easy to think that since they aren’t your kids, your wife should praise you for any and everything you do. But when you marry someone, you agree to carry each other’s challenges together, including children. Your wife is not looking for an “assistant” or “sidekick”, but rather an equal partner. When she corrects you or gives you advice, it’s not because you’re not good enough or she doesn’t appreciate you. It’s because she wants you to succeed.
Number 5: Cherish time alone with your wife. Couples who marry with no prior children have time alone to bond as a couple before starting a family. That’s not so with stepfamilies. From day one, we had an eight and a seven-year-old in the house. My wife and I try to occasionally do activities on our own, and this is critical because we need that alone time that we didn’t get. When we find ourselves at home with no kids, I make sure I am talking to my wife instead of turning on the TV and zoning out.
I close with my most important piece of advice: Remember why you are doing this. You want what’s best for the kids and want to help as much as you can, but you aren’t doing it for their praise. If they express appreciation for you, great. But there will be times when they complain about what you made for dinner or that you are sending them to bed early. There will be days when you wish that was all they are complaining about. There will even be times when they say they would rather be with their dad.
Don’t be discouraged. You are doing this because you love your wife. Keep this in mind when things get tough. And hopefully, one day, the kids will look back and appreciate all that you did too.
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