Being a Stepfather

No man plans to be a stepfather.  As boys grow up, they dream of finding a wife, getting married, and having children of their own someday.  But no boy has dreams of someday marrying a woman who already has children and raising kids that belong to someone else.

Being a stepfather isn’t something we plan for or expect.  It just happens.  I knew my wife for 15 years before we started dating and eventually decided to get married.  In that time, she was married once before and had two sons.  I was a single guy living by myself.  All I ever had to think about was getting to work and feeding myself every day.  Now suddenly, I was sharing a house with three other people and was responsible for raising two elementary-aged children.

Being a stepfather is not easy.  I knew that before I became one.  But it turns out that I had no idea what that means.  It’s a rewarding experience, and I don’t regret taking it on.  But it has also been the most challenging experience of my life.  And while there’s no substitute for learning on the job, there are some things I have learned that I wish I had known going into my marriage.

So, whether you’re already a stepfather, about to become one, or dating a woman who has kids, here are a few pieces of advice that I can offer after nearly two years of experience:

Number 1: You’re not their dad.  OK, that sounds obvious.  But it bears repeating as much as necessary.  No matter how much you are around your stepkids or how much you do for them, they already have a dad.  Even if their real dad is deceased or for some other reason nowhere to be found, you will never be their father.  If they think of you as their dad or start calling you “dad”, don’t discourage it.  But don’t encourage or even expect it either.

Some stepfathers think they will swoop in and be the hero to his wife and her kids.  But they likely won’t think of you that way, so don’t think of yourself that way, either.  Don’t try to replace their dad, but rather think of yourself as a “bonus” dad, and hopefully they will too.

Number 2: The kids, and your wife, had a life before you.  No one can erase their past.  It makes us who we are today.  When two people have children together and then get divorced, they are linked together forever.  In most cases, it’s more of a business relationship than a personal one.  But I’ll admit, it’s difficult not to feel jealous when my wife and the boys reminisce about things that happened when my wife was still married to their dad, or to feel like my territory is being invaded when their dad comes to visit them at my house.

In those times, I try to remember that my wife and her ex-husband once were a family and had a life together.  Just because my wife hasn’t erased that from her memory doesn’t mean that she thinks any less of me and our relationship.  I expect my wife to respect who I was before we started dating, so I should be willing to do the same for her.  I also remember that she’s including the boys’ father in their lives because she cares about the children and still seeks what’s best for them.  That’s to be commended.

One of my biggest surprises is that my stepsons like to talk to me about their dad.  They talk to him on the phone a lot and spend time with him when he is in town, and I used to think that I need to just “stay out of the way” and let them have their time together.  But the boys, and even sometimes my wife, like to tell me about their conversations and all the things they used to do while their dad and mom were still married.  If that happens, don’t get jealous or defensive.  Instead, think of it as them wanting to share more of their life with you, which should make you feel good.  If you are marrying a woman who is widowed, I imagine this becomes even more important, to help keep their father’s memory alive.

Number 3: Take time to learn.  I had several hobbies and interests that I was passionate about before getting married: baseball, The Simpsons, and American history, to name a few.  When I was single, I invested a lot of time in those things.  But my wife helped me to understand that if being a good stepparent was really important to me (which it is), I would take time to learn about that as well.  Since being married, I’ve picked up a few books and articles on the subject, hoping I could learn how to be a better parent.

It’s also important to learn about your stepkids’ interests.  To put it bluntly, I have almost nothing in common with my two stepsons.  They don’t share my interest in baseball, and I don’t share their interest in video games.  We like completely different music and TV shows.  And our personalities are polar opposites.  But I’ve at least taken time to play video games and NERF guns with them in the hopes that we can connect.  They are much better at those things than I am, but they don’t seem to care.  The only thing they remember is that I made an effort.

And sometimes, they show an interest in my hobbies.  I have never asked them or expected them to, but they do it on their own.  That makes me feel good.

Number 4: Learn to take constructive criticism well.  You want be good at parenting your stepkids, right?  Well, who better to learn from than someone who’s been around them their whole life, their mother?  I was not good at this at first.  When we first got married, every time I did something wrong and my wife corrected me, I took it personally.  It made me think I wasn’t good enough to be a parent, and that caused me to get defensive and lash out.  Sometimes, if I tried my best and didn’t do something right, it made me think my wife didn’t appreciate me.  It caused some unnecessary arguments.  Over time, I’ve had to change my mindset.

Stepparenting is not an act of charity.  So if you’re thinking of it that way, stop right now.  It’s easy to think that since they aren’t your kids, your wife should praise you for any and everything you do.  But when you marry someone, you agree to carry each other’s challenges together, including children.  Your wife is not looking for an “assistant” or “sidekick”, but rather an equal partner.  When she corrects you or gives you advice, it’s not because you’re not good enough or she doesn’t appreciate you.  It’s because she wants you to succeed.

Number 5: Cherish time alone with your wife.  Couples who marry with no prior children have time alone to bond as a couple before starting a family.  That’s not so with stepfamilies.  From day one, we had an eight and a seven-year-old in the house.  My wife and I try to occasionally do activities on our own, and this is critical because we need that alone time that we didn’t get.  When we find ourselves at home with no kids, I make sure I am talking to my wife instead of turning on the TV and zoning out.

I close with my most important piece of advice: Remember why you are doing this.  You want what’s best for the kids and want to help as much as you can, but you aren’t doing it for their praise.  If they express appreciation for you, great.  But there will be times when they complain about what you made for dinner or that you are sending them to bed early.  There will be days when you wish that was all they are complaining about.  There will even be times when they say they would rather be with their dad.

Don’t be discouraged.  You are doing this because you love your wife.  Keep this in mind when things get tough.  And hopefully, one day, the kids will look back and appreciate all that you did too.

A nation of reaction

A few weeks ago, a young white man, Dylann Roof, went into a black church in South Carolina and murdered nine people.  We later found much evidence that Roof was a white supremacist, and he has stated that he was hoping to start a race war.  In response, many people called on the state of South Carolina to remove the Confederate flag from its Capitol building.  Under increasing public pressure, they permanently took the flag down a few days ago.

Since the shooting, this flag has been one of the hottest topics of debate in America.  Many folks find it offensive because it represents an era in our history in which we enslaved African Americans and treated them as inferior citizens.  Many Americans came to the defense of the flag, however, claiming that it doesn't represent slavery, but rather the southern way of life, and that we should preserve it as part of history.

I can see at least some merit in both arguments, and I'm not going to come down on one side or the other here.  But this is the question that I pose to everyone, on all sides of the discussion:

If this is such an important issue, why did it take nine people to die to get us to do something about it?

Every time something like this happens, we look for something to blame, some societal factor that influenced an otherwise average person to do something terrible.  We went through this same thing after the Columbine shooting in 1999.  After two students went into the school and shot 13 people to death, we made every effort to blame anyone or anything besides the two shooters who actually committed the crime.  "If only the other students hadn't bullied them."  "If only they hadn't played those violent video games."  "If only we had stricter gun laws."

It's unclear what influence these factors had on the two shooters, if any.  A lot of it was just speculation.  But it sure made for a sensational story and allowed us to avoid having to confront the real issue.  I have never understood why it is so difficult for us to accept the fact that some people are just evil and to blame them for their actions.  It may be because we like to think we have control, that there is something we can "do" to prevent future atrocities from happening.

Our news media knows this about us and takes full advantage every time tragedy strikes.  We may briefly come together after it happens and express prayers and condolences for the victims, but shortly afterwards Americans were thirsty for answers.  The news media was right there, ready to quench our thirst with stories on the Confederate flag.  And in this age of social media, where virtually anyone can communicate with the rest of the world within seconds, it didn't take long for us to start fighting about it.  Our own president was even talking about the flag within hours after the shooting.  He's not stupid.  He knew that this is a divisive issue and that talking about it would only add fuel to the fire.  Is this what passes for leadership these days?

I have seen at least several news channels post on Facebook, asking people to give their opinions on the Confederate flag.  I even saw one channel ask people to submit pictures of people who still support the flag.  Again, the executives at these stations are not stupid.  They've done enough of these posts by now to know that the conversation will not remain civil.  They know they will get vitriolic responses from both sides and start arguments.  In fact, I suspect that's why they keep doing it.  Stories that divide us always get the most viewers, and in an industry that's about making money, that's all that matters.

Yes, it's disgusting.  It's a sad assessment of the state of our society today.  But we allow it to happen.

Evil is part of the human condition, and there is nothing we can do to eliminate it.  It represents a force that is outside of our control, and I think that is why we have such a hard time holding people accountable for their actions.  Whenever tragedy strikes, instead of looking for "reasons" why it happened, it's important for us to offer sympathy, be here for each other, and trust in God and the fact that he is in control and has a plan, even when it doesn't make sense to us.

This doesn't mean that we can't take measures to prevent crimes, such as passing laws, using punishment to deter criminals, and even being kinder to our fellow man.  But if a person has evil in their heart, unless they make the decision to change, nothing we can do will stop them from at least trying to do evil things.   Thousands of students are bullied and thousands of people are exposed to guns every day, but most of them don't go on killing sprees.  I know that I have watched violent movies and video games and it never motivated me to kill anyone, nor did it motivate most others who have seen them.  Those other "motivations" can only influence someone if they allow it to.

The same applies to the Confederate flag.  Maybe taking it down is symbolic of the fact that we as a nation have moved beyond the racism of our earlier days and want to take a stand against racism where it still exists.  I get that.  But if that's the case, it shouldn't have taken a mass shooting to spur us into action.  We should be a nation of proaction, not reaction.

In South Carolina, they are taking the flag down for the wrong reasons.  It is ridiculous to think that taking down the Confederate flag will prevent future murders.  It's even more ridiculous to think that had they not put it up before, this shooting never would have happened.  Thousands of people saw that flag every day, but most of them never killed anyone.  We are patting ourselves on the back for supposedly doing something good in response to this tragedy.  But what will this accomplish?  Have we actually done anything about violence in America?  It seems to me that if anything, we have only riled people up even more.

Think about just how much power we have given this young man.  South Carolina took down their Confederate flag as a direct result of this shooting.  An entire state changed its laws because of the actions of one evil man, not to mention the arguments that are springing up all across the country.  How can we allow him to have so much power?  I'm sure Roof will get a severe punishment for what he did, but we are sending a very dangerous message to every potential criminal out there.  They have seen what just happened and now know that they can use violence to influence us.  They might go to jail, but they can still call the shots.  How can we justify that?

We can lock Dylann Roof up and prevent him from ever killing anyone again, but that doesn't mean the damage he has caused our nation is complete.  We have allowed the negative effects of this tragedy to go far beyond one church.  We have allowed his actions to divide us, to pit us against each other at a time when we should be coming together to comfort each other and to take a stand against evil.  Instead, we're yelling at each other over a smokescreen issue.

In that sense, we have allowed Dylann Roof to win.