Forgiveness

(Originally written on March 25, 2013)

I recently completed a Sunday School class at church on forgiveness.  This is a concept that is often not fully understood in our society.  Before the class began, I wasn't sure if this was really something that I needed to learn about, but through the five weeks I learned a lot and also thought about how the concepts presented in the class apply to my own life.

First off, how do we define forgiveness?  I always thought about it as accepting an apology and forgetting about a wrong that someone committed against us.  It's actually more complicated than that, especially when we consider that there are different "levels" of wrongs that people do to us (and that we do to others) and different levels of hurt, depending on what they do.  Forgetting or overlooking a wrong is not the same as forgiving.  If someone accidentally bumps into my desk with a cart at work and they say "I'm sorry", I'm more likely to say, "It's ok" or "Don't worry about it" than "I forgive you", and I imagine many of you are the same way.

I think that's because I don't really consider that a "wrong" that someone has committed against me, both because it's not a big deal and it was a total accident.  Even if someone cuts me off in traffic, though I may consider that an intentional wrong, I have usually forgotten about it after a few minutes because in the grand scheme of things it's not that big of a deal.  But is that the same as "forgiving"?  This is where it gets tricky.  And if it's complicated for something small, it only gets much more complicated when it's something big, and involving someone close to you.

In the book we were reading, one definition that was given is that when someone does wrong to us, we "give up the right to retaliate".  By retaliate, I don't think the author only meant "repaying" them by doing evil in return.  I think he also meant not letting that person "live rent free in your mind" as the saying goes.  Even if you can't hurt them in return in real life, you can still hold onto anger inside your mind, and to me that's a sign that you haven't fully forgiven someone.  This applies especially to someone who has wronged you but is now deceased, or that you otherwise aren't able to contact anymore, either because you don't know where they are or the hurt that is there has separated you from that other person.

To me, it is critical to understand the difference between forgiving someone and overlooking a wrong that they did.  Forgiving someone immediately for a major hurt that they cause for you is not good, in my opinion.  One example from the book was a school where a kid came in and shot dead a few of his classmates.  The next day, other students made a sign saying that they forgive the shooter.  I understand that they were trying to do something good and be Christ-like, but I also think this was wrong for a couple of reasons.  First, it may have given the shooter (and others thinking of doing the same thing) the impression that what he did was acceptable when it clearly is not.  In any society, bad decisions must have negative consequences (including legal penalties where appropriate).  Otherwise, what incentive is there to make good choices?

The second reason is that it is unhealthy to try to immediately forget a major wrong caused by someone else.  I wonder what those kids who made that sign went through emotionally as day after day passed when their friends were gone and the community was mourning their loss.  I can't imagine that they felt compassion towards the shooter forever.  I've seen experiences where attempts to forgive someone immediately resulted in even more resentment from the wronged person later on.  When you have more time to process what has happened and are holding back anger, it comes out all at once at the wrong times and is more difficult to overcome.

Now, most of us will never experience something like the school shooting mentioned above.  But I'm sure there are people in your life who have wronged you.  While it's important to demonstrate God's love as much as possible, you also need to do it at the right time and after an appropriate amount of reflection, which both depend on the severity of what happened.  You also cannot allow someone else another opportunity to hurt you all over again; indeed, that person should recognize that what they did was wrong and honestly try to change for the better.  Just because we are supposed to forgive does not mean that we are supposed to let people get away with evil things or let them take advantage of us.

Anyway, this essay got long really fast, but this was a very beneficial class for me.  Hopefully you enjoyed reading and thought more about what forgiveness is and how it applies to your own life.